sick as frick

| former child | cautiously optimistic | Instagram hxc_cat_dad

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

Let's set the scene:

I am at a friend's house
Mother asks if I would like a drink
Parched, I reply, "no I'm fine"
Full stop, that is a damn lie
My friend gulps glass upon glass of water
I die inside

End scene.

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

Me: "I promise I won't lay Memphis to waste"

3 drinks later:

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

I just want to lose enough weight to be able to brush my teeth shirtless without crying on the toilet afterwards

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

Is a worldwide tour featuring all of the bands on the Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 soundtrack, hosted by @tonyhawk himself with special guest @PaulyShore too much to ask?

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

@bbyspoon That's always the first thing I think before reporting a rape. "Will this be festive enough?"

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

I went to a prohibition-style bar the other day and I didn't even get arrested. I mean, what's the point?

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

Angelica from Rugrats the type of girl to grow up to be Tomi Lahren tho

[Audny 🎀 🩷 @AudnyApeiron]

Only thing offensive here is that someone thought this was a representation of Black people https://t.co/teupOyQdyy

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

Fist bumping @PaulyShore was the highlight of my year. So as you can tell I've had a pretty rough year. All kidding aside, you were awesome!

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

Straight up there's this same white trash couple that walk by work yelling at each other about once a week.

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

@SilentGarrett @MattyMullins Papa why would you hurt me like this

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

@localbandsays Trophy Eyes, Fit For An Autopsy

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

Don't you hate when you're going 65 while snapchatting and driving and a kid runs into the street?

Judge: you were driving on the sidewalk

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

Selling it(doesn't)works and other cheap products to your unfortunate friends is the equivalent and selling snake oil. 🤷‍♂️

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

Last night was incredible! #KendrickLamar #Damntour #Detroit

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

@TheWhyteKid Depressed from the wrecked house market and unemployment rates they left to go live on Mars

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

I wanna get DRUNK

D rink lots of water
R espect everyone
U se sunscreen if I go outside
N o drugs
K iss my dog on the nose

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

@TheWhyteKid Why do cells exist? Why do atoms exist?

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

@AlexreneC "I'm putting you away forever lol 🙂"

[sick as frick @BenjKeith]

@JaredDines Don't listen to the negativity, you are a shining beacon of light