ModernMalcontent

I think I'm funny, witty, and smart. Sometimes that results in amusing tweets. Other times not so much. Also, I heart cats.

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

@titivil I'm declaring my house a sovereign nation and succeeding

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

@DrogoMcNasty the sad truth is that you're probably right.

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

The local fire station sign reads, "now staffed for your protection" soooo... it wasn't staffed before?!
#rural #wtf

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

Mobile home parks always have names like manor, estates and village like no one's going to catch on to what it really is because of the name

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

When you're rollin down the street in a golf cart wearing a suit and talking on the phone you KNOW you've got game!
#playa

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

Since you can't all share nicely, no one can drive the van now!
#captivevan #wtf

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

HIM: Would you want to be invisible?
ME: Definitely
H:Right! To be a hero!
M:*Imagining petting dogs w/o having to talk to their owners* Yes

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

Maybe it's sad but I found this reassuring because I had started to take it personally...
#McDonalds #McFlurry
https://t.co/Ad3ORnGXOE

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

Dear guy with "the shocker" bumper sticker,

I assume this is meant as a warning and not a proverbial mating call.
#douchebag #classless

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

I referenced Marc Summers and was met with a blank stare. Then I felt old. F*cking millennials!
# doubledare #familydoubledare

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

@BethanyModern update - I received this as a Christmas gift. And now I know who my real friend is.

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

Nothing says, "I'm not doing anything shady" quite like 4 pitbulls chained up outside the perimeter of a house.
#whoneedsADT

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

The reply all feature is a privilege that should be earned once you've proven you can handle NOT responding "congrats" to companywide emails

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

When your mom says, "I just figured you'd never have kids but would keep getting cats" you know you're on the right track
#catlady

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

To the guy running effortlessly down the road like you're not hating life and in excrutiating pain,

Stop it.

Sincerely,

Me

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

"Any day I don't see a penis at work is a win." She said without even a hint of sarcasm.

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

Leonardo had a rough night.
#TMNT

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

I recently realized that I like and trust people who swear more than people who don't.

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

Dear other employees:
What's the plan for the salt & pepper packets you left in the bathroom?

[ModernMalcontent @BethanyModern]

When the thought of stirring is just too much...