Boston Boss

IN MY CONGLOMERATE we all bosses! Beantown a mean town!!

[Kanye’s bhole @bossy_bootz]

No, I don’t have a nickname. I’m not 5 or a drug dealer

[Benny 'New Day✨️' Rollins @citizenkawala]

Life is a highway.

Full of idiots who can't drive.

[Neal Brennan @nealbrennan]

Black parents have to give their sons "the talk." Any chance cops could get a talk too, like, "Don't just shoot black dudes."

[Neal Brennan @nealbrennan]

Lord, give me the strength to not be an asshole for a few hours. #assholesprayer

[Liana Maeby @lianamaeby]

So, you gals figured out which sexy municipal worker you're going to be for Halloween this year?

[Melvin of York @MelvinofYork]

Your Honor, when the defendant asked me over to help “smoke a fatty” I assumed he meant sharing a joint, not killing his obese neighbor.

[DVS @DVSblast]

british Fairuza Balk gangs tearin up the streets. OGs puttin the boots to "New 'Ruzers" who dress Waterboy insteada The Craft

[Donna T @sweetg35]

When dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

[donni saphire @donni]

Who gave these spiders mescaline

[donni saphire @donni]

Sick of being lied to by certain astronauts

[donni saphire @donni]

*Looks at stuff on Google for hours*
*Realizes "Google" is just "Go ogle"*
*Head explodes*

[donni saphire @donni]

I once played Yahtzee in a Burger King bathroom

[donni saphire @donni]

If at first you don't succeed, reword that shit and try again in 3 days

[Melvin of York @MelvinofYork]

This Coors Light tastes like Rocky Mountain freshness with a hint of rock bottom.

[donni saphire @donni]

I'll be the zombie who keeps saying "I'm just happy to be part of a group!" making the other zombies feel uncomfortable

[donni saphire @donni]

I don't advocate violence. I just use it.

[donni saphire @donni]

Night Of The Loving Dad

[donni saphire @donni]

You can put lipstick on a pig, but then the pig's gonna want a bonnet. Then slippers. Then a pretty dress, probably. Why are you doing this?

[Kristy Maybe @TheFaith_91]

When living in a ghetto neighborhood during Christmas season, you never know if those explosive sounds outside are gunshots or fireworks.

[donni saphire @donni]

5% of all people are holograms. Slap everyone in the face periodically to check.