Britney Mueller

I fully support making a dad joke out of anything.

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

@hert 🥘

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

Has anyone tried to see if a spoonful of sugar really does help the medicine go down? 🤔

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

So @amazon Prime Day is only June 21-22?? Wow…I’ve been celebrating 5-7 days/week for a few years now 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

@hert Lol I know. Perfect timing, right?!

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

How much longer are you going to make us wait for “____ is typing...” in group texts @Apple ?!

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

@hert #influenced

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

Glad @netflix doesn’t have a ‘2020 year in review’

No one needs to be reminded how much TV they watched this year

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

What would @McConaughey say if he was a courtroom judge?

All rise, all rise, all rise

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

“Too early to call” - me anytime the phone rings

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

Surprised Elizabeth Holmes hasn’t claimed to have created the vaccine 💉 #Theranos4ever

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

Is it even a road trip if your dad doesn’t say “on the road again!” After every stop? 🚗

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

Time to buckle down and Hocus Focus, Witches!

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

#TFW the TP holder is too small for the roll and it rips... square by freaking square 🙄

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

People who are able to spend less than $100 @Target tell us your secret

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

Me: I don’t understand how #ButtDials happen these days. You have to stare directly at the screen to get in

Friend: Their ass might look like their face?

#YouHeardItFirst

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

Others were born to run. I was born to pun.

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

Put mascara on while I had the hiccups this morning. 10/10 would not recommend

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

My husband is SO good at playing hide-n-seek
Unrelated: I'm not married
#YouCanComeOutNow

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

One of my absolute favorite things about having tall ceilings is when the smoke alarm needs a new battery at 3am

[Britney Mueller @BritneyMueller]

For the last time and for the people in the back - NO GROUP PHOTOS ON DATING APPS! 📸