calvino

fat and dumpy

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

Not my best work but I'll accept it

[prezoh @prezoh]

waking a septum piercing girl up like this

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

Hospice is the most depressing of all the spice girls

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

Pro tip: when your girlfriend is taking her anatomy exam on the lockdown browser, you can just take money from her purse because she can’t do anything about it or even look at you without angering the cameras

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

@MLBONFOX

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

Bitches will watch Gnomeo & Juliet and read the sparknotes of hamlet for class and talk about how much they love Shakespeare

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

bibme, easybib, & citation machine are ALL chegg services? Teddy Roosevelt’s trustbusting ass is turning in his grave

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

Gubernatorial election? More like goobernatorial election because all these candidates are goobers

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

Jesus’ blood was grape juice? No wonder the dude died in his thirties he must’ve had terrible diabetes

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

What do you mean you don’t like watching MLB on tv anymore? Don’t you like 40 commercials about dick pills and commercials between at bats?

[Caro🥪 @bacarolaa]

Me and my friends when the Target employees say they can’t find the red concrete balls

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

I’ve been consuming hundreds of lil smokies every day when do they notice and grace me with the Big Smokie

[kyle bhet ˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ @im_lowkey_asian]

the mask mandate unfairly discriminates against people who have made their septum piercing their entire personality

[Tashy McTashface @TashP351]

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

My New Years resolution is to stop paying taxes

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

I sure hope santa brought me a forklift certification for christmas

[calvino @CalvinSoup]

what if there was room at the inn for Mary and Joseph so instead of being born in a manger Jesus was born in a holiday inn express

[He Called Me Greenhorn @WhatsAGreenhorn]

Him: I knew she was the one when she hit me with her car.

Her: I don't have insurance so I thought I'd smooth things over by kissing him in the hospital.

This Christmas, love finds a way, because without the ER, hearts are just hats.

Happy Little Accidents, only on Hallmark