Darren Candler

Personal development is all about understanding that you need to google everything.

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Some of you need to learn about punctuation

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Which bird has a throat pouch that's completely useless for storing fish?

The pelican't.

I'll see myself to the gallow...

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

[visually impaired Secret Service agent yells into sleeve]

Head shot! Sniper at four o'clock!

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Hey, people wearing camouflage. I can see you. It's not working.

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Who has a cooler accent than mine?

Other people.

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Life is a struggle to stay afloat.

Let that sink in.

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

"I find your lack of faith disturbing"

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Just before I die, I'm gonna change my FB status to "Sure there's some screaming going on but I honestly thougt it would be hotter".

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

When did the internet become all about telling me I've done everything wrong all my life?

[ceej @ceejoyner]

The one thing egg nog enthusiasts, magicians, DEA agents, and satanists can agree on is the turtleneck.

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Well this looks exciting.

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

On a scale of one to ten, who the hell is this Kanye?

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

"So we're doing a porn spoof of The X-files. Let's nail that title, people."

[two hours later]

"Uhm... Can we have some czechs in it?"

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Once a tweet makes you hear the Benny Hill Show theme in your head it keeps happening over and over again.

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Imma rearrange your face, otterfucker!

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

The Apatani tribe just can't get enough of the smell of Oreos.

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Hold it right there. You need to fill out this eye contact form first.

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

Me: I have three things to do but only time for one.
Brain: Do no things.
Me: (sighing with obviously feigned reluctancy) OK then...

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

[on the phone with customer services]

So what would the fee for shipping only be? I'm planning to do all the handling myself.

[Darren Candler @CandyManDarren]

"Yeah well studies show stuff all the time..."

Me talking to internet ads and perhaps needing to get out more on weekends.