Alex Canney

Life's a joke and I'm the punchline

[Alex Canney @CanneyAlex]

I will never experience joy to the same degree I did when I got truck drivers to honk their horns when I was a kid and that’s just something I have to live with

[patryc🌹dad/daddy🔞 @_patryc_]

in 1920 we took children out of the coal mines

in 2020, the most popular video game on the market is minecraft.

the children yearn for the mines

[Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible]

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

[CBS Sports @CBSSports]

The torch has been passed.

Congratulations to the new #NVP, Dak Prescott!

[Green Bay Packers @packers]

HISTORY MADE! 🙌

@AaronRodgers12 throws his 443rd career touchdown pass, breaking Brett Favre's franchise record.

#GoPackGo

[Green Bay Packers @packers]

4️⃣4️⃣2️⃣

@AaronRodgers12 is now tied with @BrettFavre for the most touchdown passes in #Packers history!

#GoPackGo

[Davante Adams @tae15adams]

Hgkflfndbjddldnbshuzibdvd!!!!!

[CheeseheadTV 🧀 @cheeseheadtv]

49ers: *celebrate going up by 1 point with 37 seconds on the clock*

Aaron Rodgers:

[Lily Zhao @LilySZhao]

How did Davante Adams take a helmet-to-helmet hit and come back a play later?

Adams: "I'm different." #Packers

[Kobe Bryant @kobebryant]

My man....M.V.P. Greatness. 🙌🏾💪🏾 Next up: Championship. #MambaMentality

[Alex Canney @CanneyAlex]

@poorbabys

[The Onion @TheOnion]

D.C. Police Lose Control Of Rioting Trump Supporters After Hundreds Of Officers Called Away To Deal With Black Jaywalker https://t.co/B90PyPED91

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Literary Scholars Discover First Draft Of ‘A Christmas Carol’ Where All 4 Ghosts Show Up At Once And Just Beat The Shit Out Of Scrooge https://t.co/rVGwFhotjz

[Green Bay Packers @packers]

🚨 RETWEET to #ProBowlVote for @AaronRodgers12 🚨

#GoPackGo

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

Someone from the government just called and asked if they could hold a press conference in front of the store.

[steev @steev____]

The plan? We name your landscaping company after a fancy hotel to trick the President of the United States into holding a press conference outside of your business.

[Duncan Smith @DuncanSmithNBA]

All of us: https://t.co/xFCby7XBSp

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Crying Eric Trump Asks Father If They Poor Now https://t.co/oyeuAnjaYG

[The Associated Press @AP]

JOE BIDEN DEFEATS PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

The Associated Press declares Joe Biden the winner of a grueling campaign for the American presidency. He will lead a polarized nation through a historic collision of health, economic and social crises.

#APracecall

[Tom Segura AKA Mr. Ladybug @tomsegura]

He's just SO dumb. "Miraculously disappear." You mean the states started counting mail ins when their state let them?
This is like when there's a blizzard and he says "what happened to global WARMING?!?"