Captain Wicked

Evil Captain. Founder and President of the Consortium of Evil!

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

Let Twitter be the Hiemdall of evil rhetoric and non-sequiturs and surprisingly great lifehacks. So goodbye and see you later, evil gators

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

Hello minions! I have migrated my musings to a new account: @thewickedcapt! I will keep this account open, like that Rainbow Road in Thor

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

#hungergamesmockingjay I don't what all the fuss is about this Katniss girl. That Snow guy, on the other hand, seems like my kind of dude.

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

"Failure is ALWAYS an option!"
- Captain Wicked

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

I just upgraded my eye patch today. I got the same one from Metal Gear Solid 4, but it's optimized to read people's minds.

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

#badjeopardycategories Who said it: Rapper or Bieber?

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

#WorseMoonLandingQuotes I have the weirdest boner right now, guys. You think it's the moon? *It's OK, we can edit that out later…*

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

#WorseMoonLandingQuotes Bad news, guys. We don't have enough fuel to get home, I had to dump some of the tanks to make room for the bourbon.

[angelia✨ @theangelia_]

"Came all this way and still not a single f*cking alien." #worsemoonlandingquotes @midnight

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

#WorseMoonLandingQuotes Shit, I forgot the keys inside the ship.

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

#HappyBirthdaySelenaGomez I'll be in the Hindenburg II air dropping cupcakes over LA. But I couldn't spring for parachutes. So, uh, heads up

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

#worsemoonlandingquotes Well now we gotta have sex, boys! We have to. For humanity!

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

Rest in Peace to legendary actor James Garner. His brilliant work in Atlantis: The Lost Empire inspired my life's journey. He will be missed

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

“@AshOfPalletTown: Retweet if you are a Pokemon Master!” I'm a master of people who are Pokemon Masters #transitiveproperty #masterofmasters

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

@SpaceCatPics is like an acid trip, but with less brain damage.

“@SpaceCatPics: #ThisCouldBeUsButYouPlayin http://t.co/JShIVCuuGP”

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

@_JohnFKennedy_ makes Don Draper look like Michael Cera

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

And codpiece.

#toomuchinfo

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

The publisher insisted to remain faithful on every detail of my life. Meaning accurate depictions of my zeppelin and explodable glass eye.

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

Good news! I have agreed to sell my life rights to create a new comic book. My exciting exploits will be even more embellished than usual!

[Captain Wicked @CaptainTJWicked]

My application for membership into the Illuminati has been denied. FOOLS! JAY Z doesn't even have a ZEPPELIN, GUYS! Why do I get the snub?