Valbus Crumbledore 🐀

Weedrat. Rotisserie style.

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

Re-installed Twitter on my phone purely to say that #Rezzmau5 at @hijinxfest had me feeling my insoles on a molecular level tonight @OfficialRezz @deadmau5

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

"did you break a bong, or fracture it?"

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

Ever look at your feet and you just can't consciously feel them? No? Just me?

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

Hate not seeing the blue bird when I wake up #elonyousuck

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

Big Mouth/Human Resources are such good shows, like, objectively the hardest hitting animated TV series, and somehow I'm lucky to exist at the same time they do?

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

Christmas wishlist: I really want a loop lasso but I don't want to buy it myself, but they'd be soooo fun to have at a show 🥺

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

Also realizing I drunkenly changed my Twitter bio to a Shrek quote this past weekend. Proud of me for that one

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

Yeah, so, welcome to midnight exhaustion tweets with Valbus 💩the type of content that will never grace the platform that is Threads

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

I'm also rattled by the fact that I've encountered TWO people in the past month who were under the impression pepto bismol makes you poop (rather than blocks you up - what it actually does). Where did this false narrative come from?

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

Someone asked me if I thought I should be eating more fiber when I asked where the pepto bismol was at and I laughed because fiber is the LAST thing my digestive track needs. I'm trying to reduce the poos, not give my body a reason to spend more time on the porcelain throne

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

Was really hoping to finally get a decent night's sleep but instead, here I am, hunched like some type of goblin on my squatty potty, deliriously eating pepto bismol tablets like candy at midnight

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

I'm a huge slut for sustainability, so you know I had to cop this eco-friendly Speidel watch that's both recyclable & made out of recycled materials on prime day last week 😎 (driven by my desire to not constantly dig my phone out of my fanny pack to check set times @ festivals)

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

@azazieofficial should offer the option to make a spaghetti strapped dress into one with normal straps. This suggestion is brought to you big big boob gang/not wanting welts on my shoulder/neck but wanting the cute dresses that are ONLY OFFERED with spaghetti straps

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

"I just wanna trip him when I see him [in a road race]" - Thuy, on @SimplyStinzy

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

When Bagel World is on the bachelorette party itinerary, you know it's gonna be lit

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

An ask to any fruit-engineer/scientists out there (if that's a thing): please make raspberries without the crunchy seeds 🥺

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

When mom brings home the Costco rotisserie chicken

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

My job would be SO MUCH EASIER if people just read the information I sent to them 🫠

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

Asta and Naruto are exactly the same character in that they're both obnoxious orphans

[Valbus Crumbledore 🐀 @CaptainValcon]

I'm just convinced that the development teams at Microsoft's only goals when they roll out new features is to ensure it annoys the ever-living hell out of me and only me. Where's Ashton? Where's the hidden cameras?