CGuastini

Welcome to Corey Theatre. Once again, I will be playing the victim.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

[reassuring you about all the spiders in my house] they keep the bugs out :)

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

[explaining my camping chair before I let you use it] It’s old but it still works. If you try to move it all the legs will fall off.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

My dog’s treats are ginger-fluid.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

Going to the Outer Banks and squinting at the horizon to see if I can spot Spain or whatever.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

Changing my enemy’s conservation status from Least Concern to Threatened.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

The guy at the plant store used deceptive sales practices to sell me a plant I didn’t want (poison ivy).

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

My dog enjoys squeaky toys and other frivolous pursuits.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

[plugging the microwave into a living room outlet during the game] all right who wants an oatmeal

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

Putting a piece of permafrost in my microwave on the highest defrost setting and crossing my fingers.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

For me, making music was never about the money. It was about delighting Her Majesty, the Holy Roman Empress Maria Theresa with a concerto at Schönbrunn palace.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

Border Collies need a job to do but it never occurs to them to start a small business. It’s always someone else that has to be the job creator.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

Jesus at the Last Supper: One of you will betray me. One of you will also help me get the leaf out of this table because I told the guy I’d leave the room the way I found it. He said he doesn’t even usually allow parties this big.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

In the hands of a surgeon, a more subtle message could have been excised. Instead, the film beats us over the head with a bedpan. Dr. Dolittle is an appointment best missed.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

Writing a recipe in a cursive so delicate it could hem a dress.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

@Fred_Delicious I love the ones like this where you get to fill in what happens next

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

If you need me I’ll be in the caramel-corn aisle at HomeGoods buying pasta sauce.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

Cities submitting bids for a new vape shop like the Olympics.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

CEO of Sun-Maid drinking a glass of wine: This should be raisins.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

I never wanted to be an astronaut. Where do I claim that income? Space? I have no interest in figuring it out.

[CGuastini @Cguastini]

I arrive in heaven and god says if you’re on time you’re late. Says I should have died sooner.