Michael Simons

Be like a jellyfish.

[Jessica O’Donnell 🏈 @heckyessica]

.@RepGosar with the “Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself” secret message just won twitter for the day.

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

@SomeonesAnIdiot posts a year old @YouTube video and @FoxNews passes it off like fresh beef. #frozenthenthawed #notfresh #notnews

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

Vedder Holsters $1K Giveaway #giveaway #win #ConcealedCarry https://t.co/GPDJ5cwIC6

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

Listening to the #floridaroundup today about amendment 4 and I love when a dissenting call comes in they rush them off. #hotgarbagesauce

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

@puellavulnerata "Fascism is a form of radical authoritarian ultranationalism, characterized by dictatorial power, forcible suppression of opposition" by definition you are calling for violence to be perpetrated against you at your own request. #whythou

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

Still trying to figure out how Twitter is more popular than Myspace. #wheresTom

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

The only running I do is when I'm running late. #currentsituation

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

Don't be the person who brings a 6 pack of beer and drinks 8. #guidelinesforbeingaguy

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

If your dick drags in the dirt when you walk, you're probably a United States Marine. Happy 240th Birthday to all the salt dogs out there.

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

So these are real. #SippinWine

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

3am wake up coffee....check

Pre-dawn poop....checkmate.

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

People freak out like Jbeebs invented the naked musician...Blink 182 literally ran with that idea 10 years ago.

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

Politicians are just sock puppets that corporations use as tube socks. The only difference is that we get fucked.

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

Is it just me or is Syria acting as the board for the chess game between The United States and Russia?

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

Not sure why they call it Speed Stick....it goes on just as fast as the other brands.

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

The itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout. So I set my house on fire and dragged my family out. Thank God for @HolidayInn

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

If #BlackLivesMatter disrupts the marathon runners in St Paul, MN would that be considered racial profiling? #foodforthought

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

All ravers ever- The shuffle is the best dance and I'm great at it.
Me- No...you just suck at moonwalking on drugs.
#EDM #festivallife

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

I wish I could #Yelp review people.

[Michael Simons @ChargingLotus]

#Twister it the suburban Kama Sutra.