an actual bacon

*sizzles*

[SebGa @SebGa88]

💎400 Gems Giveaway💎

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☑️ Ends 26 Aug (23:59 CEST)

Welcome to my first Gem Givaway on Twitter!

Sponsored by @ArenaNet

#Guildwars2 #GW2

[Conventional mattress, the (VCR broke never saw i @MrMichaelRose]

when you gaze long into the zoo you bought, the zoo you bought also gazes into you

[pat tobin @tastefactory]

"Actually," - automatic flushing toilets

[an actual bacon @CheatnikJay]

@JonTronShow *gets punched in the face by a window*

[an actual bacon @CheatnikJay]

@Tom_Vom I was lucky enough to have been born with massive tits. Like "damn that baby's stacked."

[an actual bacon @CheatnikJay]

What do you get when you cross a disgusting abomination and enough self loathing to kill a man? Me. You get me.

[an actual bacon @CheatnikJay]

@TheTimmyToes I call your hair my cranial bush, and everyone loves me. Except me.

[an actual bacon @CheatnikJay]

Missed Connection:
You were in the front at the screening of The Martian I was attending. Matt Damon, I think your name was.

[an actual bacon @CheatnikJay]

It puts the lotion in the basket, along with an assortment of scented candles and aromatic bath salts.

[an actual bacon @CheatnikJay]

@CheatnikJay #ForeverAlone

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Robots are taking over so many jobs, it’s only a matter of time before I go to Starbucks and get my name misspelled in binary.

[an actual bacon @CheatnikJay]

Missed Connection: We were at Denny's. You had a stack of pancakes. I unhinged my jaw and swallowed the whole table. Hit me up, girl.

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

Who would win in a fight? Donald Trump or 12 pickles?

[pat tobin @tastefactory]

[At dinner w girlfriend's parents] "Watch this" *pretends to play plate like tambourine* *her dad gives her a secret thumbs up but I see it*

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and wolves, and jet skis, and specifically wolves on jet skis

[butt sword @buttsword]

[commercial for crickets]
why would anyone buy crickets?
crickets: *cricket noises*

[an actual bacon @CheatnikJay]

Nobody ever told me how to get, how to get to @sesamestreet. #childhoodruined

[an actual bacon @CheatnikJay]

@CheatnikJay Thanks, me.