Christy Devlin

Comedian. Writer. Educator. Featured in “How to Write Funnier”, by @ScottDikkers, pgs. 216-223. Still trying to be funny with 2 kids and a Ford Focus. she/her

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Hoping this part of Barbie’s life is covered in the new movie because it’s the only part I could ever actually relate to.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Just a lil’ reminder that we defeated the British today. How ‘bout them fireworks, huh?

Happy 4th!

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Kids: Mom?
Me: Yes?
Kids: Can we…?
Me: Is there still coffee in my cup?
Kids: (looks in cup) Yes.
Me: Then, no.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Psyche!

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

5 things you find/hear in a yoga class that you shouldn’t:

1. Mirrors (Ego?)

2. Aggro yelling of “Get into it!!!”

3. Lyrics that contain the word “asshole���

4. A bagpiped version of “Amazing Grace”

5. Ghost moans

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Does the fact that I saw the movie “Endless Love” at age 6, a story where a man is so obsessed with a woman that he sets her house on fire and ends up in a “facility”, explain why I don’t feel you’re in love me until you try to set my house on fire? Yes. Thank you for asking.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Just realized perfume
smells like men’s cologne.
Damn the patriarchy!

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

@LesserOf2Equals Like “Hey Christy. Here’s your graphic T.”

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

I’m at the stage in my life
where I’ve started addressing
retail sales associates by their
first names.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Thoughtful text message or breadcrumb?*

*(Snarls and aggressively licks all the breadcrumbs from her hands like a soul-devouring she-troll with perfect highlights, trapped in the bowels of the underworld they call “dating”.)

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

You know you’ve made it when your handwriting becomes a font.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Our most recent family portrait. Thanks, JC Penney!

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Watching children play a game:

Goose: To be fair, shouldn’t it be “Duck Duck Goose Goose”?

Duck: Look, buddy. I don’t create the lakes. I just glide on them. Oh look. Corn!

Goose: (eye roll) You’re such a duck sometimes.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

I have a bone to pick with you, lettuce. You brown too quickly.

Wait. That doesn’t sound quite right. Let me try again.

I have a leaf to pick with you, lettuce. You brown too quickly.

Crisis averted.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

At least I know what I’m getting if I decide to date you, weather.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Puberty would be a lot more
interesting if, at age 12, instead of
their voices lowering, boys just
started affecting a British accent.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Mr. Rogers had it right when he committed to wearing both inside and outside shoes.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

Can we please stop shoplifting, America, so I no longer have to deal with these Rubik’s Cubes of the packaging industry?

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

@LesserOf2Equals Not. To. Day.

[Christy Devlin @ChristyLDevlin]

When you find out what song your 8-year-old was trying to play on the keyboard: