THEY MADE ME DO IT

I spent most of my money on hookers and blow, and the rest I just wasted.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

@JJWatt Absofuckingloutely. This 💯☝. I am a born and raised Houstonian and spent my first 18 years rooting for the Oilers at the Astrodome. They changed to Titans after 2 years. Just sell the Oilers rights to the Texans and let them keep the Titans. It will always be a Houston team.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

LIVE on #Periscope https://t.co/YJl9AAPo4J

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

LIVE on #Periscope https://t.co/11rlVUqz6X

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

If you were serious about finding Jesus I think you should ditch the church and start checking the insane asylums.

[Dan Duvall @DanDuvallComedy]

Don't forget to post every new life plan you have on Facebook so your timeline looks like a trail of broken dreams at the end of the year

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

And then there was the time I chased 50 Nyquils w/ a Monster energy drink & tried to eat my own bedsheet... but I'm feeling much better now.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

"I think I'm Big Meech... Larry Hoover..." - Rick Ross discussing his multiple personality disorder with his therapist.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

@yacketycat Ha! Welcome to my world.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

My Ice Bucket Challenge is not getting caught huffing the freon from my neighbor's AC unit.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

Never trust a man who doesn't watch porn.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

Sometimes I gotta check if I'm still breathing so I take a deep breath... And then YEP I'm still breathing which means I can do anything

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

The problem with women is, they got all the pussy. They got a monopoly on that shit. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

I got nothing to lose
I got nothing to gain
I got blood that bleeds
right outta my vein
I got a soul to sell it's goin to the highest bidder

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

I think that in the future we'll all be hermaphrodites. Wouldn't that be great? Some asshole would say "Go fuck yourself!" and we'd say ok.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

Japanese folks are on some next level type shit. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I'm thinking those atomic bombs went to their heads.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

Giraffes are to vampires as what Jessica Alba is to me. I'm solving real world problems over here.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

My Maybelline moment is a cum shot on Rush Limbaugh's face. Not that I'm gay, I just like the sound of it.

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

Maybe your God doesn't believe in me?

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

And every day
I read the obituaries first
to make sure I'm not in them
and to practice
becoming a ghost

[THEY MADE ME DO IT @CMFC99]

Just spit a cocaine & whiskey filled lugie that went AT LEAST 5' across my room & landed DIRECTLY IN THE TRASH! I'm winning life here people