Funny Tweets

❒ Single. ❒ Taken. Who cares, I’m awesome.

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Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bitch, eating those crackers like she own the place."

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Remember when you were a kid and thought it'd be so cool to grow up? Yeah, well we were brainwashed. It sucks.

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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.

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Cops never say, "Thank you for committing a crime and keeping us employed", selfish bastards.

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"Are you free tomorrow?"
"No, I'm expensive, sorry."

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Running up the stairs like a gorilla because it's easier that way.

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I tried prank calling Dominos, I said, "Is this the Krusty Krab?" the Cashier responded, "No, this is Patrick." MADE MY LIFE.

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Best friends have conversations that are impossible to understand by other people.

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The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

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Just think, in 50 years there's going to be a bunch of little old ladies walking around with tattoos.

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I saw a Chinese kid and a black kid wave to each other today. Gave me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.

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Weird... Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.

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Dear Pringles, I'm no longer a child and cannot fit my hand inside your tubes of deliciousness. Sincerely, Everyone over 8.

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You inspire my inner serial killer.

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Some people deserve to have eggs thrown at them... brick shaped eggs... made of bricks.

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When you're in bed and you can't sleep, so you just lay there making mental movies of perfect scenarios in life.

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You're single? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH me too.

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Having those weird conversations with your friends and thinking, if anyone heard us right now, we'd be put into a mental hospital.

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Retweet if you like food more than people.

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Think of a number. Double it. Add six. Half it. Take away the number you started with. Your answer is three. RT if your mind = blown.