ComedyFact

Warning: This account is too funny. Leave now or you'll lose a couple of hours of life here

[ComedyFact @ComedyFact]

I have a smart phone with a dumbass battery.

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I really wish my money would have unprotected sex in my wallet and multiply.

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Me: Would you like to have some upsexy? Person: What's upsexy?
Me: Nothing much, you?

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I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.

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Are you free tomorrow? , "No, I'm expensive, Sorry"

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Twitter makes you improve your writing. The 140 character limit forces you to master the art of getting to the point.

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Most people: 1 hour each night on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr. Me: Online all day everyday.

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I don't hate school. I just hate the teachers, homework, exams, and waking up in the morning.

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they call me macklemore in math class because im like what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what

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K.

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I have abs..........................olutely nothing.

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Is there a way for me to donate my body fat to the starving kids in Africa?

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When you want them, they don't want you. When they want you, you don't want them. When you both want each other, something messes it up.

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I'm the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.

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Me: Okay brain, lets focus for just 45 minutes on this math test we can do this. Brain: DADADA BANANA LALALALALA AFRO SQUIRREL POTATO LALA

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight.
Me: I'm gonna exercise every day.
Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

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me: I cant eat anymore I'm full
food: eat me
me: ok

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"Hey, did you ask yet?"
"No, my mom's in a bad mood.

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Facebook: *Scrolling down the newsfeed thinking:*
"Whatever''
"Yeah Yo life sucks"
"Song lyrics"
"Inside joke?"
"Needs a therapist"

[ComedyFact @ComedyFact]

me: *walks into school*
person: *looks at me*
me: they probably think i'm ugly
me: they probably hate me
me: everyone probably hates me