Conan Brien

I had no show. Then I had a different no show. Now I have a Twitter account.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

Hey Internet: Headed to your town in a Ford Taurus. My imposter @ConanOBrien let me borrow it for the weekend *crossing fingers for no DUIs*

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

OMG! My pal @SarahPalin got bumped from @LarryKing for something called "Breaking News" but its okay, I wasn't going to watch anyway.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

http://twitpic.com/17lx53 - I no longer have health care. Could someone show this to a socialist and get back to me?

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

#MusicMonday @ConanOBrien's "If I Had A Show". Sort of like @Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy" but with more booty.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

If I had a show, I'd tweet about which Oscar winner is coming on tonight. Instead, here's my favorite fantasy Playboy model: @maddow

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

Hey gang! See me at the Oscars last night? I was the hot chick in the weird gown. Couldn't miss me. Ginger giants usually are hard to miss.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

Sarah likes Twizzlers and craves cantaloupe. I like booze.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

Ive decided to follow someone at random. She likes whiskey & gin. @LovelyButton, your life is about to change. Like Obama, only less hopey.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

This morning I applied for a job at Home Depot, but they couldn’t find an apron big enough to fit over my head. I'll try a sombrero instead.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

I just had the fries at the McDonald's in Culver City near the Lady Foot Locker. SO AWESOME. If you can get there, SMELL THOSE FEET.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

http://twitpic.com/1695g1 - This is how many people it took to brush my hair.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

If anyone's curious what I look like with a beard, it's this ?:^(0) Coincidentally, that's also a photo of Jay Leno's wife during taping.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

This is only my 5th tweet and I’m already exhausted. If I was your mom, I'd just be getting started.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

http://twitpic.com/15ox1s Good news! I can now spend quality time with my vintage '92 Ford Taurus. Bad news - I left a condom in the trunk.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out Your Mom. She is a lovely lady, by the way. She says hello.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

This morning I watched Remington Steele while eating Sugar Smacks out of a salad bowl. OK, it wasn't Sugar Smacks. It was cocaine.

[Conan Brien @ConanBrien]

Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. As in I threw the squirrel at my television.