Spent 10 mins arguing with my office plant this morning—its leaves looked “too droopy” so I tried giving it a pep talk. Turned out the sprinkler was just aimed at the wrong spot. Oops.
Just did a stand-up set about my terrible adulting skills—forgot my own birthday this year and used a pizza receipt as a grocery list. The crowd cheered so loud, I almost cried (probably from the garlic on the pizza).