Brandi

Female Age:39 Astrological sign: Feces. Likes: Long walks on the beach and Tijuana donkey shows. Mother (Think Danzig definition, not Pink Floyd's)

[Theslayer360 @Theslayer360]

Lo mejor de la ceremonia de inauguración en #Paris2024 sin duda alguna fue la presentación de Gojira #Gojira #OpeningCeremony

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

Eating leftover bread pudding straight out of the fridge while your toddler stomps Ritz crackers into the carpet is self care.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

@AlabamaFTBL was cursed by a witch many moons ago that they can be National Champions, but it must be done without the help of a kicker.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

Getting tied up sounds sexy until someone turns on the bedroom light and you’re just laying there like a frog in 8th grade science class.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

Life is a record and the album is bound for platinum; but trauma leaves scratches, and over time the songs barely play. Eventually the record doesn’t even feel worth listening to anymore. But we keep it around for nostalgia.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

Time for everyone’s favorite holiday game:

IS THIS FOOD POISONING OR JUST ANXIETY

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

I have a scream within me so loud it could shatter the popcorn right off this ceiling.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

My grandma told me she once puked a turd. I think about that story a lot. Especially when I’m sick, because at least it’s not THAT.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

The look I’m going for 🆚 the look I’m giving. #ATaleOfTwoWolves

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

*lights incense & prayer candle*
*knocks lit candle off shelf & catches it just in time*
*apologizes to spirit for testing them nonstop*

See, there’s guilt in every spiritual practice if you just try hard enough.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

This rain is heavenly! If we didn’t have so many neighborhood cats, I’d go stomp around in it. Aw hell, pass the ivermectin! *kicks off flip flops*

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

@discoveryplus knew my drama llama was starving & autoplayed You, Me & My Ex. Now three episodes in. This is on you, Zuckerberg.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

@SteveHuff I appreciate you weighing in. Sometimes my train of thought catches the rail just right and it always surprises me.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

Singing is essentially just bagpiping yourself.

[Zara Rahim @ZaraRahim]

I was seated next to some students in their early 20s last night who drunkenly started yelling “some 14 year olds just look older, so if an older man dates them, it’s their fault”

My bf looks and says “it’s your birthday, go ahead” and I absolutely ✨ruined ✨their entire night.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

My cat only shuts up when I threaten to sacrifice him to Jared Leto. What does he know?!

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

Every time I see @JimGaffigan in a movie I shout, “There’s ole Hot Pocket” like we served a prison sentence together.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

I can only scratch my foot with the other foot or else the itch turns into a tickle and I want a new body. Also, I may be a cricket.

[Brandi @CovertPervert]

Dear @netflix I really appreciate the absence of the creepy theme song on your #UnsolvedMysteries reboot. Signed, my still traumatized inner child