Dad and Buried

I don't hate my kids, I hate parenting them! PRE-ORDER MY BOOK!

[wint @dril]

a prominent member of Film Twitter told me to "Suck his dick" just because i said that my favorite movie is the tv show Scrubs

[very tall bart @TallBart]

Batman: *hits delete on the Epstein files as the music swells* The truth would tear them apart

Alfred: yeh did the roight thing mista wayne

[King of Phinland🐬👑 @KingOfPhinland]

Tua with a 40 yard bomb in his Hard Rock Stadium return reminding Dolphins fans who he really is🤭

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

@KingOfPhinland Now that’s some funny shit 🤣🤣🤣

[Dan McLaughlin @baseballcrank]

I have never seen anything so accurate on this site.

[sarah @ALRlGHTNOW]

this is what everything in the world has been like since 2018

[Steven Hyden @Steven_Hyden]

A ray of goddamn sunshine.

[Friendly death @deathdealer313]

X is not a place for the weak

[Mike Beauvais @MikeBeauvais]

"ESPN personality Pat McAfee released an album of original music on Friday. Critics say if the album is played backwards, the listener could hear hidden demonic messages. More worrying still, if the album is played forward, the listener could hear original music by Pat McAfee."

[cali is on her own, kid ♥️ @longstorycali]

this is so insanely unserious i want to start using it in every context

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

@jowrotethis The dystopia is dystopiaing

[Jim Cummings @jimmycthatsme]

Steven Soderbergh made an app that chronicles each shot in JAWS and it's unbelievable. Entire shooting days never made the final cut, and some scenes were assembled from footage that was shot months apart. Every filmmaker should spend a few hours with it.

[Colin McLaughlin @colinthecrabb]

Get outta here Odysseus. We're eating the sun-god's cattle and you don't want none of this shit

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

I needed to move a sofa.

I mentioned this to an American. He said, "You know anybody with a truck?"

I did not know anybody with a truck.

He looked at me with real concern. Not pity. Concern. The way you look at a man who has told you he does not have a name.

"You gotta know somebody with a truck."

I asked how one acquires such a person.

He said, "You just do."

This is the third time I have received that answer in this country. It is the answer to everything here. You just do. There is no process. There is only the eventual fact of having.

He said, "Ask Kevin."

I do not know a Kevin. He said Kevin like I should. He said it the way you say a shared uncle.

I met Kevin four days later. Kevin owns a truck. Kevin does not own a truck for himself. Nobody owns a truck for themselves. Kevin owns a truck for a fifteen mile radius.

Inside I said: THIS MAN HAS TAKEN A VOW. HE DID NOT ANNOUNCE IT. HE SIMPLY PURCHASED A BED AND ACCEPTED THE CONSEQUENCES.

Kevin arrived on Saturday. He brought the truck. He also brought a second man.

I had not asked for a second man.

The second man's name is Tony. Tony came because Kevin came. Tony did not know me. Tony did not ask what we were moving. Tony brought gloves.

They moved the sofa in eleven minutes.

I offered them money. Both of them laughed at the same time, which felt rehearsed and was not.

I asked what I owed them.

Kevin said, "Buy the pizza."

That is the price. That is the entire economy. The truck costs one pizza and the pizza is not negotiable and the pizza is also not expensive and everyone knows what size.

Inside I said: THE FEE IS FIXED ACROSS THE ENTIRE NATION AND WAS SET BY NO ONE.

We ate on the floor because the sofa was against the wall and none of us wanted to be the first to sit on it.

Tony told me his daughter plays soccer. I asked if she is good. He said, "She's aggressive."

I still think about that.

Three weeks later, Kevin texted me.

"You free Sunday? Helping Tony move a fridge."

He did not ask if I wanted to. He informed me of a fridge.

Inside I said: I HAVE BEEN CALLED UP. I DID NOT ENLIST. THE PAPERS WERE FILED ON MY BEHALF.

I went. I moved the fridge. I have no truck. I contributed only arms.

Afterward, a man I had never met asked me if I knew anybody with a truck.

I said, "Yeah, I got a guy."

I have a guy.

I am somebody's guy now, too. Tony has told two people about me.

He describes me as "the guy who's strong for his size."

I have never been prouder of a sentence in my life.

[SomeFunniThing @Wehavecomefor]

Never forget that this movie gave us one of the funniest movie theater recordings ever

[Chuck Bass @ChuckFBass]

How drinking another beer looks at me while I'm drinking a beer.

[jorts 🇵🇸 @ftmensch]

my mom started volunteering with autistic children and annoyed one nonverbal student so bad that he literally spoke for the very first time in his life to tell her to shut up

[Danny Kelly @DannyBKelly]

the sprawling electrical substation that malevolently watches over every 49ers practice will never not be funny to me. i think it gets bigger and closer in every video i see

[Steven Ruiz @theStevenRuiz]

this is how the joker walked away from that hospital in tdk