Awesome Dad

funny dad stuff

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

*son gets text from me* *text says "370HSSV 0773H" Son: what? *another text says "turn it upside down" Son: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

*son wakes up on birthday and i come in bedroom* Me: happy birthday son, exactly 16 years and 9 months ago you were in my balls!

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Son: Dad Me: Yes Son: Can you get a car for me when im 16 Me: well that sounds like a good trade

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Son: i just broke a mirror thats 7 years of bad luck Me: thats bad ya know what gives you 18 years of bad luck Son: what Me: a broken condom

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Me: Son, this flashdrive contains photos of your future life and girlfriend Son: le plug in to computer Dad, this drive is empty Me: exactly

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

*son kills butterfly* Me: no butter 4 u *he kills bee* Me: no honey 4 u *wife kills cock-roach Son: now what dad?

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Me: i found some condoms under your bed last night Son: thanks grampa Me: why r u callin me grampa Son: cause i couldnt find them last night

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Me: my dreams were shattered years ago Son: how many years ago Me: how old are you?

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Me: i heard you changed your relationship status on facebook to its complicated Son: yeah Me: why, cant decide which hand to use

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Wife: honey today our son called me a bitch Me: that son of a bitch Wife: come back here you piece of shit!!!!

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Son: can i hav money 4 some coke Me: is 60 ok Son: its 1.35 Me: it went down from when i was a kid Son: coke-cola Me: oh thats what u mean

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Me: son ur goin to college n theres goin to be alot of women so i got u somethin Son: i have condoms Me: i was talkin about antidepressants

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Me: honey scientists have found a food that lowers a womens sex drive up to 90% Wife: what is it Me: wedding cake

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Son: hey dad how do u feel about abortion Me: i dont know son, try asking ur sister Son: but i dont have a....

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Son: dad do u think i could make a living on the football field Me: yes, u would be a pretty cheerleader

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

*son doing homework* Son: dad can u help me with my homework, i need some natural disasters Me: Well im looking right at one

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Wife: honey am i pretty Me: you look like an angel........that fell on its face

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Wife: hey honey if i was in a movie would you watch it Me: sorry i dont watch porn

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Wife: honey last night you were sleeping and started saying bad words about me Me: who told you I was sleeping

[Awesome Dad @DadAwesome]

Me: Son, dont disturb me im working on my cloning machine and u r going to be my first test subject Son: Why Me: So u can go fuck yourself