DadIsProbablyWrong

People say having 4 kids must be hard, but honestly I lose track of most of them for long stretches and then it's not so bad.

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

When you're a parent, the goal is no longer to look cool so much as it is to not be judged by your neighbors.

10yo *going into the back yard with his pajamas on*: I don't care...

Me: I realize you don't care about what the neighbors think, but CPS does.

#kids #dadlife

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

I just entered The Big Bang Theory SUPERMAN $5,000 #Sweepstakes & so can you! Watch The Big Bang Theory weekdays thru July 11 for a chance to Win the $5,000 Grand Prize or $500 daily or 1 of 500 admit 2 Movie Passes. Go To https://t.co/26VQQMtbbf

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

7yo: I wanna play a game with everybody.
Me: Ok, let's play hide and seek. We'll hide and (13yo) will be the seeker...but don't tell him...

I've been "hiding" on the couch where I was before for 15 minutes now and 7 is having the time of her life.

#parentinghacks

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

Bronny playing in the NBA feels more and more like a make-a-wish kid whose elaborate wish was fulfilled to the surprise of absolutely everybody.

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

Reasons 5yo is having a bad day already: something in her lunchbox was upside down, the watermelon has too much water, and although her next birthday is only 14 days away, her next next birthday will be 366 days after that.

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

5yo has told me approximately 34 April Fool's day "jokes" within an hour of waking up. Today's going to be a looooong day...

#AprilFoolsDay #kids

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

8yo: You can't pinch me, I'm wearing green.
Me: I can't pinch you because it's St. Patrick's day, but I can for other reasons. *Pinch 8yo*
8: Ow, why did you do that?
Me: Are you dreaming?

#StPatricksDay2023 #kids

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

Do you think it was a bookie who decided that the first word every kid should learn to spell would be B-I-N-G-O?

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

Me: I'll set a timer for an hour, and then it will be your turn.

5yo: No, I don't want to wait 100,000...million...

Me: Ok, what about 60 minutes?

5: Yeah, that's better.

Me: Alexa, start a timer for 60 minutes.

Alexa: 1 hour, starting now...

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

Here's a tip Wikipedia: If I'm searching salmonella at 3AM, I'm probably not in the mood to donate money...

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

4yo's annunciation isn't the best. For instance, when she says horse, it sounds an awful lot like whores.

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

4yo: I love you, Mommy.
Wife: Aw, I love you, too.
*a minute later*
4yo: Daddy, I don't hate you.
Me: ...Thank you?
#kids #dadlife #sundayvibes

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

@playbeatstar

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

Me: *to 7yo* you can't say you win everytime you win and that she (4yo) cheats evertime she wins...

4yo: I LOVE TO CHEAT!

Well, that backfired.

#kids #toddlers #parenting

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

Went with 7yo to school PTA fair and brought back various junk as "prizes."

Wife: I'd rather just give them $20 or set $20 on fire, then to have a bunch of crap we don't need...

#kids #parenting

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

4yo: It tastes like toilet blood...

And now I can never call it sewer water again...

#kids

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

Nobody ever tells you that the most common phrase you'll say as a parent is "other foot."

#parenting #dadlife

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

Scolding a toddler is a lot like the reverse of a pep talk you would give to an MMA fighter: "No, do not hit him! Stop trying to knock him out! Get that death stare out of your eyes! Please do not try to kill him!"

#Toddler #dadlife

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

Me: Do you wanna build a snowman?

7yo: Yes.

Me: Or ride our bikes around the hall?

7: Yes!

Me: Too bad. We can't...

#SnowMan #snowday #kids #dadlife

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

I entered the Choose Your Epic Trip Giveaway from Nomatic. We both get bonus entries if you follow this link. https://t.co/Zd8thYM8PP

[DadIsProbablyWrong @DadIsProbWrong]

3yo: I'll watch you right here.

Me: Thanks. I've always wanted somebody to watch me put my deodorant on...

#kids #DadLife #SaturdayMorning