Dad Joke Button

The Best Dad Jokes on Twitter.

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My doctor told me that my body has completely run out of magnesium.

I was like 0mg

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There's a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.

It's a shame only a fraction of the people will find this funny.

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Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground?

It was a knot-for-profit.

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Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lense making machine?

He made a spectacle of himself.

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Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

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When the aliens abducted me, they made me wash my hands, eat vegetables and clean the room they put me in…

Turns out I was on the mothership.

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Everyone has heard of Count Dooku, the character from Star Wars.

But his wife Sue—she’s quite a puzzle to figure out.

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What does D.N.A stand for?

National Dyslexia Association

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I saw a television advertised in a shop window with a sign that said: "stuck on maximum volume, only $5."

I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.

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I think my wife has been putting glue all over my firearms.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

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Someone broke into my garage last night and stole my limbo stick.

Seriously how low can you go?

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My friend said my clothes are gay!

Well, they did come out of the closet this morning.

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My girlfriend said a small penis isn’t a big deal

I still wish she didn’t have one

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Why can't Mexicans be firefighters?

They can't tell Jose from Hose B.

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What is a cow's favourite Disney princess?

Moo-lan

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Where did Noah store his bees?

In the ark hives

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Our electricity company has just disconnected us.

Now we are powerless to do anything about it.

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I created a website for orphans

It doesn't have a homepage yet

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Alcoholics don't run in my family.

They drive.

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I hate when people say they are speaking on behalf on everyone

And I’m sure everybody agrees with me