DadLiners

A collection of things I used to write in my notepad.

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

I like my air like I like my hair… conditioned.

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

“If you’re quoting me, then you should probably get rid of it.”

-Marie Kondo

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

People tend to underestimate just how much they should underestimate me.

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

I don’t know how else to explain it, but my kids’ art produces shake. IYKYK

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

Hate to say I told you so?
Not me. Love that shit.

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

You can’t always get what you want.
Well you can cry sometimes, you just might find…
You get what you want.

My kids’ anthem

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

For people who refuse to pee when they clearly have to, my kids spend an inordinate amount of time on the toilet.

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

Did you guys know ‘shampoo’ translates to ‘not poo’ which is a pretty good name for it because it is in fact not actually poo

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

Did you know that if you cover the butter with a paper towel when you melt it in the microwave you can prevent a needless argument with your partner?

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

My kid’s room looks like it’s staged to be a page in an I spy book

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

Unpopular opinion but it’s not a “compliment sandwich” it’s actually an insult sandwich on compliments.

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

One day some guy decided there was this “power of suggestion” and we all just went, “oh yeah totally I know what you mean”

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

“Stress eating” should refer to going out to dinner with two toddlers

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

A song that sounded like Golden by Huntr/x came on and my daughter asked, “is this cake pop demon hunters?” So now I gotta see just how many times we went to Starbucks this month.

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

Am I crazy or do I spy a discarded condom in this @Scholastic book?

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

Disappointing that I was replaced with ARTIFICIAL intelligence after delivering REAL incompetence for 10 years

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

Pain you can’t truly understand unless you experience it:
-heartbreak
-loss of a loved one
-banging your elbow on the inside of the washing machine when transferring clothes to the dryer

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

Proud to say I just installed a closet door in one of the rooms in my house! It is the one you’ll look at and say, “you should get that fixed.”

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

Guy at art store: Can I help you?

My kid’s preschool teacher: Yeah where do you keep the permanentest markers?

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

DMV guy, filling out forms. James Bond walks up.

DMV guy: Name?
JB: Bond… Ja-
DMV guy: Last name?
JB: 😬

[DadLiners @DadLiners]

Disney presents, The Little Fish. A heartwarming tale of a vocally-gifted fish who spends her days observing mermaids, wishing she had arms.