Dan Slamilton

Good tweets exclusively

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

@xtinemarx hbd!!!!!

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

if I was in that little monkey's position I would simply crack a funny joke to diffuse the situation

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

ok but think about how satisfying it must be to throw an actual spanner in the actual works

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

everyone at the superbowl party enjoyed the hell out of my 3.11 billion layered dip

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

if I'm making a dip I'm telling people there are at LEAST three more layers than I actually put in that mf

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

Still hits

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

"I would have caught that easy" never gets old imo

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

If I was in an icarus situation I would simply fly just a smidge farther away from the sun. Other than that, no changes to the plan

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

even ignoring the question of where the mice get their eggs, I think a carrot and celery flan is crazy work

[Redwall Feasts Bot @RedwallFeasts]

Friar Broggle served up carrot and celery flan, with mushroom stew, baked sweet chestnuts, and a honeycake.

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

In case anyone wants to fuck around and act like I don't have the high score on Grand Piano Keys at the Atlantic Ave Dave & Busters

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

they were out of stickers at my voting location so I made them get my ballot back out of the machine and tear it up

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

thanks. see you back here in two months for another absolute banger

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

the long walk... the running man... get a car you morons!!!!

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

I think about this every time I have a string cheese (3-7 times per day)

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

inventing a gun that loads these string cheese ammo belts and fires 850 rounds per minute

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

@mossbinch me to myself literally every time I post on this god forsaken app:

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

what's crazy is if you asked me how to fix the schools I'd say turn them off and turn them back on but we tried that and it went really really bad

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

sometimes the deli guy calls me boss, sometimes I call him boss... the chain of command in this org makes no sense

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

@CLAUDIAPOSTING no it was good I'm just mad I didn't blur faces on my biggest tweet ever

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

@CLAUDIAPOSTING ok the claudia interaction engagement bump goes crazy

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

@CLAUDIAPOSTING either that or I never click yes because I get nervous

[Dan Slamilton @Dan_Hamilton]

@CLAUDIAPOSTING 1 a month and I never click no because I feel bad