Dan Klein

Tweeting awesomeness since 1/19/2009.

[Dan Klein @DanKlein]

Dan is testing twitter...

[Anonymous @YourAnonNews]

Pete Hegseth went to Normandy France and made some Nazi ass anti-immigration speech and then proceeded to get kicked out of the country - being told never to come back.
Your grandfathers are rolling in their graves rn. This isn't what they fought and died for at all. He desecrated the memory of every soldier who fought, and who fell in Normandy. Fuck Pete Hegseth.

[Michael (Hedge Fund Manager) @HedgeFundFomo]

Fun fact:

If you invested $1.00 into the American stock market when it first opened in 1790, today you would be dead

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

Being part of a generation that was told “Wikipedia is not a source” makes it genuinely baffling to me that jobs are now telling people to just use ChatGPT for everything.

[kar @bustitopen420]

it’s my first day working remote and I’m honestly shocked. Why were they making me commute an hour to work on a laptop. everything is made up

[Mike Bales 🫡🇺🇸 @MikeBales]

Kids have safety scissors now.
But back in the day, we were totally allowed to use the classroom guillotine at 10 years old.

[Dustin Nickerson @DustinNickerson]

I’m glad for teachers that 6/7 fell on a non school day.

[💫𝓓𝓮𝓶𝓸💫🪐 @Demo4fhs]

Outdated boomer management is one of the biggest problems in corporate culture.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

[Weapon 𝕏 @HellRaz0r1776]

BREAKING: Toyota has recalled over 350,000 1993 Camry’s due to the fact that owners really should have bought something new by now

[NYTPitchbot @DougJBalloon]

We wanted to understand what’s happening with the Strait of Hormuz. So we talked to five raw milk drinkers at an emergency room in Idaho.

[National Park Service @NatlParkService]

Whoever said ‘out of sight, out of mind’ never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

[worm (extra wormy) @wormymcwormersn]

drinking $1200 worth of cappuccinos at the dealership to cancel out the repair costs on my car

[𝒢𝒾𝓁𝒷ℯ𝓇𝓉 @AbakpaJob]

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

[𝐍.🎀༘⋆ @luvblessingz]

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn't taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

[Douglas A. Boneparth @dougboneparth]

Nutritionist: “Your diet is poor.”
Dentist: “Your brushing is bad.”
Friends: “Your life is a mess.”
Liquor store guy: “Excellent choice.”

[pengwynn @pengwyndolin]

you can tell when someone is from pennsylvania because they’ll speak with an accent and cadence you’ve never heard before in your entire life

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

What I do at work:

- Spreadsheets
- Emails
- Spreadsheets about emails
- Emails about spreadsheets
- Meetings based on emails where we talk about spreadsheets

[Brickell Finance Guy @IronChestCap]

@HunterBiden Hunter Biden might be the first man to successfully build a coalition between MAGA, Burning Man, and divorced dads.

[Adam Karpiak @Adam_Karpiak]

Honest Cover Letter:

I’m interested in this job because it’s available. I feel I’m a match because I, too, am available.

You also list a “competitive salary,” which aligns with my passion for food and shelter.

I look forward to discussing this further with your AI screener.

[cow @cowincrisis]

saw you drive past the field and not wave at us. i’ll remember this.