Dawn&David

[🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InsideLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿© @InsideLucysHead]

BBC announcement

From the BBC - Read by #JohnCleese.

ANNOUNCEMENT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the Blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!” “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend”, and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted the use of the final escalation level.

[A View From Yorkshire @models_by_Russ]

Dear Prime Minister & Energy Secretary,

We hope this finds you warm. Not metaphorically warm — actually warm. As in, central heating on without having to remortgage the house.

Because out here in the wilds of Ordinary Britain™, we’ve developed a new hobby: staring at the thermostat like it’s a slot machine.

Will it go up?
Will it bankrupt us?
Who knows. Spin again.

Now, forgive us simple folk, but we’re slightly confused.

We’re sat on North Sea oil and gas. It’s there. Under the sea. Not imaginary. Not theoretical. Not powered by positive thinking and recycled conference lanyards.

And yet the national strategy appears to be:
1.Don’t drill it.
2.Import it.
https://t.co/UF4qLNDNUi more for it.
4.Look surprised when bills explode.

It’s a bold plan. Very avant-garde. Almost performance art.

Meanwhile, every time fuel prices twitch, petrol stations react like someone’s shouted “fire” in a theatre. Prices up faster than a minister’s expenses claim. Oddly, they never drop with the same Olympic enthusiasm. Must be gravity working differently in Britain.

We’re told another wind farm will fix it. Another turbine. Another “long-term strategy.”

Now don’t get us wrong — wind is lovely. Very breezy. Excellent for drying washing. But when it’s minus three and the grid’s wobbling like a jelly at a church raffle, we’d quite like something a bit more… reliable.

Energy policy shouldn’t feel like we’re betting the house on a weather app.

Here’s the uncomfortable bit: ordinary people are cutting back. Pensioners choosing between heating and eating. Families watching fuel costs creep up while wages politely stay seated.

And from Westminster we get speeches. Targets. Pledges. Strongly worded enthusiasm.

We don’t need enthusiasm.
We need affordable energy.
Preferably sourced from the resources we already have.

It’s not radical. It’s not extremist. It’s not anti-planet to acknowledge that until storage technology catches up and renewables can carry the load alone, turning off domestic supply while importing foreign supply at a premium is… financially acrobatic.

The North Sea isn’t a moral failing. It’s an asset.
Using it sensibly while transitioning responsibly isn’t betrayal. It’s common sense.

Ordinary taxpayers aren’t asking for miracles.
We’re just asking not to be collateral damage in a PowerPoint presentation.

So here’s a humble suggestion:

Warm homes first.
Affordable fuel first.
Energy security first.

Then — by all means — save the world.

Yours in mild hypothermia and rising direct debits,

The People Who Actually Pay The Bills

[A View From Yorkshire @models_by_Russ]

Dear Prime Minister & Home Secretary,

I hope this letter finds you well, fully caffeinated, and in possession of a calculator.

I’m writing with what I believe is a modest, fiscally responsible proposal. I understand the Government is offering up to £40,000 to certain individuals to voluntarily leave the United Kingdom. First of all — bold strategy. Nothing says “strong borders” quite like a cashback scheme.

Now, I regret to inform you that I am, in fact, a fully tax-paying, law-abiding British citizen. I know — awkward. I appreciate this may disqualify me from the premium exit package, but I’m willing to negotiate.

I would like to formally apply for £35,000 to leave.

You see, unlike some applicants, I haven’t broken any laws to get here. I didn’t arrive by dinghy. I didn’t require processing, housing, or legal appeals. I’ve actually been funding the whole operation through PAYE for years — which I believe makes me a loyal shareholder in this enterprise.

Given that you’re prepared to offer £40,000 for someone to depart voluntarily after entering illegally, I feel £35,000 for someone who’s been here legally all along represents excellent value for money. Think of it as a “Buy British, Get One Gone” discount.

For £35,000 I will:
   •   Leave quietly.
   •   Not require a press conference.
   •   Not demand a diversity officer to wave me off.
   •   Even carry my own suitcase to the airport.

I may also tweet a polite thank-you note on departure, praising the efficiency of the scheme.

Frankly, it feels like I’ve misunderstood how incentives work in modern Britain. All these years I thought obeying the law, paying taxes, and contributing to society were the winning strategy. Turns out the real pro-move is to arrive unlawfully and wait for a loyalty bonus.

Who knew?

While British families are juggling rent, energy bills, and the weekly food shop like contestants on a dystopian game show, it’s reassuring to know the Treasury has located a spare £40,000 per head for voluntary goodbyes.

May I ask — is there a points card? Ten years of National Insurance contributions and I get a free exit bonus? If so, I believe I’m overdue.

In the spirit of fairness and fiscal responsibility, I am not even asking for the full £40,000. I’m trimming £5,000 off to help balance the books. That’s the kind of responsible budgeting I was raised on.

If successful, I promise to:
   •   Leave via a scheduled flight (economy is fine).
   •   Not stage a protest on the runway.
   •   And refrain from re-entering on a small boat to see if I qualify twice.

All I ask is equal treatment. If departure is now a funded career pathway, I would very much like to submit my CV.

Yours in hopeful relocation,
A slightly confused taxpayer

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