Colin DiGarbo

insecure comedian, prone to redundancy

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

@chrisrock would've had a comeback if he'd been doing clubs

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

Watching Boogie Nights with my headphones so my roommate won't think I'm blaring actual porn

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

I don't consider COVID officially over until we get back free samples at the grocery store

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

Just a brief reminder:

"I like that wet warm pussy she got."

- Genius comedian Dave Chappelle on his wife's vagina

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

Working in restaurants has made me a snob. I was in a bar today and literally thought to myself, "This playlist is barely curated."

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

yes my ears are ringing, not cause I'm old, I just walked away from a bomb going off

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

Ate a meal so rich my pee smells like meat

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

Christian Bale should've used his Dick Cheney voice for Batman

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

I just want to make as much money as I hate my job.

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

all it takes to be a renaissance man these days is to vape while you piss

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

I'm getting to that level of out-of-shape where regular movement feels like a workout.

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

I can't tell if my hangovers have gotten worse, or its just my sense of shame has matured.

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

All Alexa sould ever say is "Aren't you holding a phone?"

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

Being the last comic to go up in a festival is like being the last soldier killed in a war. But at least in war, you get to stay dead.

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

Attention Uber drivers: chew gum with your mouth open, and you won't need air freshener.

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

The crueler the villain, the tinyer his coffee cup

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

My tax guy's office has a giant $1000 bill framed on its wall. Looks like this year's refund comes in Disney dollars.

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

I'm so hairy that if I push too hard while pooping my beard grows a quarter inch

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

Every group of gutter punks I've ever seen looks like the dog's in charge.

[Colin DiGarbo @DiGarbo]

My Whitney membership card should just say "bathroom pass"