Dippy Blonder

*Dips your opinion in salsa and eats it*

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

When I say I miss school, I mean my friends and the fun. Not the studying part.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my ass, I can't.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

Why do little kids have to scream.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

I don't want to sound badass or anything, but I play Wii without the wrist strap on.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

Dear Fox News
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely
Disappointed viewer.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

I’'ve had fun before.
This isn’'t it.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

We have nothing to fear except fear itself and toddlers asking "Why?".

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

2004: fear that people on the internet find me in real life.
2014: fear that real life people find me on the internet.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

Reasons to be a mermaid:
1) No periods.
2) No pants.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

I don't care what the expiration date says, I'm smelling the milk before I drink it.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

If my calves were any bigger, they'd be considered cows.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

Lady sitting next to me say she has diarrhea. I must have one of those "tell me if you have diarrhea" faces.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that's coming.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

Some people deserve to get eggs thrown at them.
Brick shaped eggs.
Made of bricks.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

Having people over for dinner tonight.
They asked what they could bring.
I said dinner.

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

[Dippy Blonder @DippyBlonder]

You know you're a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.