Dan J

[Dan J @Djlond]

Every time I ask my wife to hand me the strainer she gets angry!

She’s pass-sieve aggressive.

[Dan J @Djlond]

I took a job at the pet shop chopping up animal droppings but they let me go. I didn’t cut the mouse turd.

[Dan J @Djlond]

I’m on the new diet trend where you wear winter gloves to make it harder to eat!

It’s called Inter-Mitten fasting.

[Dan J @Djlond]

Last night I had a pillow fight using my memory foam pillow.
That was a beating I will never forget.

[Dan J @Djlond]

I once stayed a night in the YMCA.

It was OK, but I
wouldn't make a song and dance about it…

[Dan J @Djlond]

Just seen a guy walking around with a light bulb on his head.

I wonder watts on his mind?

[Dan J @Djlond]

I was doing well in the British farting championship but after a while I was beginning to tire.
After a few minutes rest however I got my second wind.

[Dan J @Djlond]

I'm looking for someone to assist with milking cows on my dairy farm.

Must work well with udders…

[Dan J @Djlond]

I accidently swallowed a toy Superman!

Luckily I'm a radiologist so I was able to search for the hero inside myself…

[Dan J @Djlond]

Bought a first aid kit today.

Thought I’d treat myself.

[Dan J @Djlond]

When I put my hand over my ear I can hear great radio stations.

Honestly, I'm a DAB hand...

[Dan J @Djlond]

Anybody interested?

I've got a few G.C.S.E maths books for sale.
£4 each, or 3 for £15.

[Dan J @Djlond]

Saw my doctor today, he said "What's the problem?"

I said "I keep feeling like I'm an ocean"

He said, "Can you be more pacific?"

[Dan J @Djlond]

I'm already bored with my time machine, and l've only had it a year.

Probably won't bother getting it..

[Dan J @Djlond]

Since I had the operation on my neck I have not looked back.

[Dan J @Djlond]

My uncle used to say "time heals all wounds".

Lovely bloke, terrible paramedic!

[Dan J @Djlond]

I went to the surgery to make an appointment to see the doctor and the receptionist gave me a right telling-off for not turning up for my last one!

“Why did you not attend? she asked.
"Sorry, I was ill" I replied.

[Dan J @Djlond]

I'm playing cricket against my local fish & chip shop later.
Their fielders and bowlers aren't that good, but their batter is brilliant..!

[Dan J @Djlond]

I bought a new pair of ice-skates.

— They were cheap but they’re not very easy to slip on.

[Dan J @Djlond]

I used to be a taxi driver exclusively for animals at my local zoo. I often had to p-p-pick up a penguin.