Scoobert McDoobert

I put the rad in sadboi

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

I continue to pray for Kevin Hart’s downfall

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

What’s a fella gotta do to get a decent meet-cute around here? I’ve been carrying this stack of loosely packed file folders for 6 years now.

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

always the duvet cover, never the duvet cover

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

It’s too bad you can only pirate art and not like, health insurance

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

Oh fuck, wait

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

Keeping up the routine of only tweeting once a financial quarter

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

Fettuccine Alfredo is just grown up mac and cheese.

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

Coronas should start coming with the lime already inside them.

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

Today I asked a lady if her tattoo was a cross section of a banana. Of course it wasn’t, I see that now.

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

@vgranada1 You ever consider you might be the Mario in your relationship?

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

I’m glad Doritos told us their ranch chips were cool, I couldn’t really suss out their vibe at first

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

@CloutVonnegut And so timely too

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

I ebb on her neezer til she scrooge

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

man, forgot being a vampire, immortality’s probably sweet and drinking blood sounds dope but can you imagine never cooking with garlic again?

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

Humanity is at its best in Aldi parking lots

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

It’d be great marketing for cafés to have really fancy bathrooms. If I have the choice between Starbucks and a joint with a bidet and 2-ply, I’m going out of my way everytime.

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

Just got a Costco pack. Who’s tryna link up and talk to God?

[Scoobert McDoobert @DOOBPLEX]

Forget serving sizes, a label cant tell you what’s best for you. My first ego death was off 12 flintstones gummies.

[Lyle Rath @LyleRath]

Covid is like your mom. Even if you've done everything you can, it just won't stop spreading. At some point you gotta accept that the old white dudes passing it around will never give a fuck about you. No matter how bad you might want them to. Eric I called you dad you piece of s