Dom

Sauce with Authority

[Dom @DrCrevace]

No wonder Arthur has been in third grade for 22 years. Nobody’s getting any work done with Mr. Ratburn tossing this caboose all over the place

[BaroqueMan @VivaldiVril]

Guys like this deserve to be beaten with a piece of rebar

[bean smoothie™ @beansm00thie]

I don't "crank my hog" i pull my piglet

[universal one love jim @importancatpete]

Sometimes you look up from your phone and realize that the highway you’re driving on is quite beautiful

[Mr. Gangnam-Frog 🐸 @WhoIsMrWeed]

I just farted April fools

Oh it’s not April fools? Yeah I guess I did farted then bitch 😂

[cruelty+ ♅ @portal222heaven]

when you watch family guy, you start to wonder why brian hasnt passed away, as dogs live much shorter lives than people do. but once you realize stewie is still a baby, it all starts to "click"

[Guppi @guppisound]

Oh im getting a call. DECLINED! jackin off!!!

[Will Sennett @Senn_Spud]

not thinking about the state of the world. im thinking about roughly 100 20 year old boys. thinking about how big and strong they are. thinking about their bodies. and if my team picks a boy whos body i do not like so help me god i will bring fire to the homes of those you love

[Ron Iver @ronnui_]

Guy at dinner party: Almost every issue, both fiscal AND social ties back into wealth inequality.

Other guy: You're so right. The class system isn't just about financial status.

Me, trying to think of any current topic: you guys hear about michael plastics in the water?

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

[Will Sennett @Senn_Spud]

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case an intruder wants to hang a slider and get taken 450 dead center

[sojujinbutsu @EdgarPoop1]

chappell roan is in the nicu throwing cheese singles on babies’ heads and fartin’ in the incubator holes

[patrick "inverted vibe curve" blanchfield @PatBlanchfield]

to me it seems like a basic "plot hole" that Will Hunting, who knows math better than anyone since Ramunajan, would misrecognize a sequence of digits (a phone number) as "apples"

[jack @actionjack69]

This is like Bohemian Rhapsody it just flows from one genius idea to the next

[femiiiiii. @femiiiszn]

not all of us were made to cook. some of us were made to have conversations with the person cooking.

[Darth Erogenous @darth_erogenous]

METABOLISM CONSORT: Sir, it’s 2am. He should go to bed immediately

BRAIN DUKE: No. Make music sound good to him for the first time in three years

PENIS SERF : And perchanse a bonner,

[ً @NotJosephGarcia]

(throwing my paycheck at my boss) I’m not a fucking charity case

[Neet @neet_sol]

hate when my boss gives me work to do like please go get some hoes or something

[taoki @justalexoki]

this might be the tweet of all time