Drew Fontaine

You can take my Oxford comma when you pry it from my limp, cold, and dead hands.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

Living well is the best revenge, but ringing someone's doorbell and running is pretty great too.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

@KyleBrandt Howie, Nick and A.J. from the @backstreetboys are more likely to be together Week 1.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

@jeffzrebiec Now that you mention it, the offense and defense have been pretty toothless lately

[McSweeney's @mcsweeneys]

"More groups called out with a wide range of gastrointestinal maladies, from Amoebic Dysentery and Squash Bowels to Internal Suffering and Putrid Pile. But stay tuned: both Regurgitate and Bile have vowed to make additional appearances soon." https://t.co/SVPXTxvoVZ

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

@andrewlayton9 @jeffzrebiec Did you see the play, guy? All the S&C in the world isn’t going to matter when you’re getting pushed off of, on a wet field and going full tilt.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

@drewmagary The most fun thing about insulting R.E.M. is that their fans’ politely-worded rebuttals always manage to contain the word “libel.”

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

@Ravens Is there any way to buy these? Seeing a lot of knock-offs in your comments, but would rather have the real thing.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

Teach your children right from wrong. Teach them to shoot their iPhone videos in landscape, not portrait.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

A 300-year moratorium on using “Santa Baby” in commercials doesn’t seem long enough.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

I fear religious extremists and girls in Good Vibes Only t-shirts.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

You’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. But if you’re really serious about catching flies, nothing beats a good hollandaise.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

My wife and I keep our daily political discourse short. One person goes "D'you BELIEVE this shit that happened today?" and the other shakes their head in mutual disgust. Then we move on with our day.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

My book on redundant idioms? Bought and paid for.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

@Jamie_Nash Dr. Huxtable’s in for some serious retconning.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

Guy who discovered pineapples: "This spiky, heavily-armored acid-filled fruit bomb shall be a symbol of welcome and hospitality for all time."

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

Y’all: God just let me know that he’s no longer interested in your thoughts and prayers after a man-made tragedy. All he wants are your honest and tireless efforts at preventing the next one. #NotOneMore #parkland

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

HOLIDAY HACK: You can make “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” sound way less creepy by singing only the guy’s lines. Then it's just the mutterings of a bachelor, gently drinking himself to sleep.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

Can’t remember exactly where I parked the car this afternoon, but still have every verse from Wu-Tang’s “Bring da Ruckus” readily available.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

1998: "Wouldn't it be weird if virtually every moment of a guy's entire life were broadcast live to the whole world?"
2017: "Nah."

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

Dear America: Please check yo self before you Reich yo self.

[Drew Fontaine @drewfonts]

The White House right now. #scaramucci