Mark Fucking Trail

ruggedly handsome nature writer / walrus doula. rex morgan better watch his back

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Location remains uncertain. I'm in a locked 3'x5' shed. My only clues are an axe, the heady musk of an aroused grizzly bear, and vomit that--let's be fair--is probably mine.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

are all the birds are turning into letters or is that just the peyote kicking in?

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

I cannot apologize enough.

[BBC News (UK) @BBCNews]

Bear cub high on hallucinogenic 'mad honey' rescued by park rangers https://t.co/SO9ptSl0nR

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

i gotchu

https://t.co/6d1tKVkuBK

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Offerings may be hung in bear bags near the entry to the Lost Forest.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
I LIVE IN A FOREST
AND MAINTAIN A LARGELY ONE-SIDED FEUD WITH REX MORGAN, M.D.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Just wait 'til you see the centerfold!

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Bats are generous and enthusiastic lovers, just like Rex Morgan, M.D.

[National Park Service @NatlParkService]

“Bat!” - Laszlo Cravensworth 🦇

It’s #BatWeek! Millions of bats live in national parks. In fact, more than 45 unique species of bats can be found in national parks! They pollinate, eat insects, use echolocation, and fascinate visitors. Learn more at https://t.co/ilSIk26S8R

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

A house really becomes a home the day the neighbors show up with pitchforks.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

No, I was not asked to consult on the cocaine bear movie; and yes, Andy is looking into our options for a lawsuit.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Same, TBH.

[snopes.com @snopes]

✅ Yes, manatees regulate their in-water buoyancy by farting. https://t.co/3qdy9M0CAu

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Look, if they need somewhere to go, the Lost Forest ALWAYS has room for more cocaine hippos.

[The Guardian @guardian]

Pablo Escobar's hippos must be culled to halt biodiversity disaster – scientists https://t.co/QEAvY80fjq

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

All I ever wanted was to make the squirrels proud.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Oh, bears dream, all right.

[Katmai National Park @KatmaiNPS]

Mmmm salmon! Do bears dream? We don’t actually know. But if they do, we can only imagine it must be about meals like this. When the salmon run is at its peak, a large male bears have been seen eating upwards of 30 fish a day.
How would you caption this photo? #KatmaiCaptions

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Most stories in the world boil down to a the same fundamental struggles: Man vs. Nature, Man vs. Bearded Man, and Man vs. Speedboat.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Never trust a man whose name is an adjective.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

If there's one thing you need to know about me, it's that the python is never a euphemism.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

IT’S A FEATURE, NOT A BUG

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Never get in a knife fight with a peafowl. Those fuckers are relentless.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Amy, I'm going to need some more direction on this assignment. Are himbos an invasive species?

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

Doc got kidnapped again last week, so I assume the kidnappers will be responsible for taking him to the polls tomorrow.

[Mark Fucking Trail @DrunkMarkTrail]

I'm pretty sure the Lost Forest seceded decades ago, but Andy, Cherry, and I voted anyway, just in case.