Shawn

Dad. Husband. Navy Submarine Veteran. Hufflepuff. Rebel scum. Adrenaline junkie. Beer snob.

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

“Welcome to Buffalo Wild Wings! Can I get you one of our exciting new local microbrews? It's called Sierra Nevada!"
Buffalo Wild Wings - where anything other than Coors is a microbrew.

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

I truly thought that the president of the USA and the dumbest motherfucker on planet Earth were supposed to be 2 different people, but here we are. Just a reminder to all of you MAGA fucks who want to follow his lead and be a piece of shit racist: he has bodyguards, you don’t.

[MeidasTouch @MeidasTouch]

South Park holy sh*t

[JR @JRDRD]

JURASSIC PARK SEQUEL IDEA
[PART 2]:

The Goldblums take over the earth.

The dinos are enslaved and used as tools.

The Goldblums find more human blood.

Guess who they clone...

John. Fucking. Goodman.

Surprise motherfuckers.

This is now a prequel to The Flintstones.

[JR @JRDRD]

JURASSIC PARK SEQUEL IDEA:

3 Million AD.

The humans are extinct.

The dino-scientists find mosquitoes with human blood.

Guess who they clone...

Jeff. Fucking. Goldblum.

They mix up the mosquito DNA with Goldblum's.

Surprise assholes.

This is now a sequel to The Fly.

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

Hey @Speedway I haven’t been able to log in for quite some time now.

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

Roses are red, Violet are blue, I'd write you a love poem, But fuck that shit.

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

Kinda annoyed about getting notifications from @jackpot_com saying I’m a winner and then checking my account and there’s no extra money in there. Why does it say I’m a winner if I didn’t win anything?

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

Registration opens on Friday. This year’s goal is to complete it under 40 minutes. Let’s get this shit done! #murphchallenge

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

@NEO_Scan there is a large pothole on 271N about a mile before the Brainard/Cedar exit that looks like it’s claimed at least 3 tires in the last 20 minutes

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

Good morning! It’s Leap Day. Do something weird. Eat a stick that you found in your backyard. Chug a bottle of Dawn dish soap. Kick a dandelion in the face. Sell your kids to Marshal Mathers for a discounted bowl of drive thru spaghetti.

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

Stephen Hawking allegedly being on the Epstein list and participating in an underage orgy was NOT on my 2024 bingo card. You guys think he controlled his dick via Bluetooth? Or like, through his wheelchair? I mean, the technology HAS to be there right?

[Jay Cuda @JayCuda]

NFL teams' records in their last 162 regular season games laid out like MLB standings

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

@LostBrosTweets This is the coolest shirt ever!

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

@classiclowlife The last time someone I followed on Twitter told me to knock someone out for a free t-shirt, I ended up in a 5 second clip on a Netflix documentary.

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

@IdiotsOfEbay @NEO_Scan It’s pretty much completely under water

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

@RealSpikeCohen @philthatremains

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

RIP #Apollo, one of the best iOS apps of all time. Thank you @ChristianSelig for all of your hard work and for fighting till the very end. The official @reddit app sucks so bad. #fuckyouspez

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

@How2Drink just saw your Insta post about best/worst Disney drinks, and I’d like to share with you the worst fucking Mai Tai I’ve ever had. Pool bar at All-Star Music resort. Literally tastes like maraschino liquor with a rum floater. And it was $15 lol

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

I just found out that @jackblack and Steve Zahn were recently in the #Cleveland area together and I really hope that means there’s gonna be a sequel to #SavingSilverman

[Shawn @DudeImShawn]

You ever see someone with a super fucked up car driving like a total dumbass and just think to yourself “yep, that makes perfect sense!”