Ed Wallick

Stand Up Comic, Writer of Pithy Things, Host/Producer of Audio/Segment casts, Currently Appearing in Google Maps Street View (non-speaking role), Dad to mutants

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

When someone says they can smell fear on you, that's urine... or possibly pre-cum. #JokesRecyclEd

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

Trump is so disgusting that as I was watching a Biography doc about Nixon & thought, “Huh, he wasn’t really so bad…”

That’s how bad Trump is.

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

I recently realized why I never became a firefighter, stairs...

I'm happy to work the pumps & hoses but the stairs...if I'm gonna carry you out it needs to be a single story ranch...🤓😬😘

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

It’s been a fun day of being attacked by ultra feminists that didn’t like a joke I made to a fellow (female) comedian friend…it’s almost like I’m still married to ‘The Creature’™️

Thankfully I spent a bundle on therapy during the divorce so I know how to deal with narcissists.

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

https://t.co/YGKI1LqqY6

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

@ksorbs Then you’re a sad individual. But enjoy.

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

@RepMTG Lady, you’ve never served in the military & don’t even understand what an insult this is. It’s not for politics, learn some class.

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

@DonaldJTrumpJr Says a little douche that has never actually seen a third world shithole….unless he went there to hunt endangered animals…

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

@TuckerCarlson You’re severely bent. You’ve never served this country, just a hypocritical douche. His ethos is opposed to what this country was founded upon.

#TrumpShapEdDump is literally Dude you’re worried about from a 1980s HBO “doc” about Nostradamus. That shitty hair job is the turban.

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

In many states you cannot vote if you’re a convictEd felon.

Yet sadly, for some moronic reason, you can still be electEd President of this country even if you’re a convictEd felon… #InsaneUSABullshit

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

Went on a date,then a couple days after the date every time I text her it says undelivered…so I’ve been ghostEd. No worries, I leave her alone, if I’m not her thing I’m not her thing. But now she’s posting “you don’t know what you missed.” #ShesTheGhost?!

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

@PaulProvenza Bummer.

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

I’m seeing Larry David’s comments on Richard Lewis’ death. They had been friends since camp when they were 12.

It’s a beautiful testament to friendship & love….but I still think, it’s not like I lost my friend from camp….we keep in touch on Insta…🥸

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

I heard a Muzak version of 7 Nation Army on an elevator in NYC about 5 years ago….it made me tear up for several different conflicting reasons. 🤓

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

@WendyLiebman What’s in those muffin tops…just for general baking instructions of course….

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

@WendyLiebman We, we being husbands, feel like you look better in the dark as well….especially when you’re naked & we have to work by touch. 🤓🥸😬

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

@pattonoswalt I honestly thought you were talking about me until I saw the article you had attached…

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

If you’re meeting someone for a first date & not feeling “magic” ladies guess what….you should insist on paying half the bill.

It’s called being honest & having personal integrity, I would never stuck you with the whole bill & then say “Oh, sorry. I didn’t feel “magic”. 🙄

[Ed Wallick @EdWallick]

I like to pee my neighbors names in the snow; it’s about respect & just saying “Happy Holidays” to me….oh wait, I’m starting to think they may not see it that way…😜