Now that’s what I call stupid: In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs. We never had a second date.
Little Jimmy wanted $50 very badly; his mom told him to pray to GOD for it. The little boy prayed for three weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write GOD a letter requesting the $50.
At the post office, postmen received the letter addressed to GOD, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money for a little boy.
Jimmy was happy with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows:
"Dear God, thanks for sending me the money. I realized that you had to send it through Washington, as usual, those thieving bastards deducted $45 for taxes."
John walked in, wife glaring. "What's wrong?" She pointed at TV guide "Forgot to record Game of Thrones finale again?!" John grinned "Ah yes...but look at the bright side - now we get to experience it like George R.R. Martin intended, waiting decades for the ending!
Walked into a bar last night and there was a guy with a big beard, flannel shirt, and suspenders. I thought to myself, "Wow, this is really an old-timey place." Turns out he just worked at the vape store next door.