Elliott Stewart

Just an Australian comedian having a go. Trying to plant 1M trees with a podcast over on The Branching Out Podcast

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Gonna start calling chicks with
fake eye lashes Camel Hoes

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Getting horny like pavlovs dog whenever
I hear my housemates keys jingle to leave

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Being bad at meditating like
ummmmmmmm

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

If it takes 10,000 hours to master
something, I’m gonna be bad at sex
for a lot longer

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

How come I’ve never seen someone
drink a beer with a straw

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Getting older will have you asking for
birthday presents like a homeless person,
just a pair of socks and some money for food please

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Getting a script filled at the chemist be like
“yeah that’ll be 30 minutes, here’s 1 chair between 50 people while you wait”

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

When you think how useless an AI chat bot
would be if it was trained by 2 first time
parents and the public schooling system,
you’ll go alot easier on yourself

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Winter is the only time where
you leave clothes on to boink

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Just travelled in business class,
didn’t learn a thing

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Hate when my parents do an accent, it’s
always spot on from the years of practice

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Hate when my parents do an accent,
it’s always spot on from the years of practice

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Proving I’m listening by finishing
her sentences poorly as she goes

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Can’t imagine how little fruit and veg
I’d have if they weren’t full of preservatives

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Listening to clear sky ambience
when it’s raining

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Getting ball gagged in the bedroom
because of my annoying voice

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

My voice gets Parkinson’s anytime
I interact with strangers

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Never been caught texting and driving,
but would love to, someone please
contact me

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Missing when there was no traffic and
it was illegal to sit next to me on the train

[Elliott Stewart @EverydayElliott]

Yeah we have a lot in common
(she loves me and I’m a narcissist)