no one talks about how draining it is when your mood is constantly switching between "its okay, i don't care. I'll be okay" and "I don't know how much more I can take"
cutting people off feels different now. it’s not anger, it’s grief. like dang… I really wanted you here, but your actions showed me I’m not safe with you.
And I know me pouring my heart out amounts to nothing. More likely it overwhelms you and pushes you away. But idc. Pretending you read it helps. I normally cut these down as short as possible in case you do…but I just can’t today. I need it. It has to go somewhere.
There are times I forget why I’ve blocked you. I come back, guns blazing, excited to make my presence known. Then there are times like now when I remember why I left the first 100 times. I don’t want you to see me when I’m sad. And yet, the idea of being witnessed is therapeutic.
I mean who does that and is happy with their situation? Idk why I thought I had a shot. It feels gross knowing I was used. Even if that wasn’t your intention…it’s definitely what happened. The worst part is that I still like you even with the coldness, the cruelty, the silence.
I’ve been operating on the assumption you felt trapped and unhappy, but I was wrong. Knowing you are happy, theres no reason to linger. If creating distance is what you need, I’ll respect that. I hope it’s ok for me to keep supporting you from a distance. I love you. I’m sorry.