EwmaWeirdstein

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

I bet the charmin bears are the weird kind of family that kiss each other on the lips

[Josh Hart @joshhart]

I lied.

[Mayor Zohran Kwame Mamdani @NYCMayor]

When James Dolan cancels the watch party outside MSG, we bring the watch party to you.

Thanks to the @NBA, Knicks Game 4 is now playing on dozens of @LinkNYC screens across our city.

LGK.

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

They should have an underdogs love island season featuring regular ugly people like me

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

Doing kegels in a work meeting about my poor attendance

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

If an angel wanted to roast marshmallows would they have to go to hell? Or are they allowed to set fires in heave?

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

Saltburn is The Menu’s bisexual British cousin. I say eat the rich.

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

I’m ready to take life by the wheel…and drive off a fucking cliff!

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

Crazy @oliviawilde vibes… villainy included

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

Pencilvania

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

Only losers depend on drugs just to have fun— I depend on drugs everyday.

AND I’m not having fun.

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

I did perfect in the interview- except for the large parts I messed up

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

Why is the aquarium ticket so expensive like all I want to do is look?

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

crown molding is fucking nuts

“ yeah lemme get walls *with* crust”

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

When I die, mix my ashes into a slime

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

Here baby take my jacket,

you look like a cold fucking bitch

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

I just want a gay husband that I can teach how to needlepoint

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

Not being close enough to the titanic is the ultimate rich person’s problem

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

Willy WONKA has been to Epstein’s island. You can’t tell me otherwise—-

Oompa Loompas serving candy on the Lolita express???

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

There are two types of Father’s Day gifts: blue plaid and golf

[EwmaWeirdstein @EWeirdstein]

When I said I wanted to do comedy it wasn’t with the intention that my career would be the joke