Exxon Cares, Y'all

(A Parody Account Examining the Mayflower, Arkansas Oil Disaster)

[Anonymous @YourAnonNews]

Our eyes might be fooling us, but pretty sure this is a picture of anti-gay politician @TomCottonAR at a gay bar. https://t.co/RB5S81EPa4

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

SUPER sad to see @TimGriffinAR2 go. Truly one of the best Congressmen ever. Pick any job old amigo: http://t.co/msT8mjNd9L #ExxonCares #AR2

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

How are we supposed to get our jobs done with paparazzi chasing us everywhere? Mayflower isn't exactly the "Justin Bieber of Oil Disasters".

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

Don't give $ to these "journalists": http://t.co/1ylpy9DNxk Mayflower needs more Swifferducks, not more transparency.

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

What?! Investigative journalists want $ to report on Mayflower spill? Give *us* your $ instead. We need paper towels! http://t.co/1ylpy9DNxk

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

Does anyone know how to get a hold of @markdarr? He dropped this paper bag full of $100s & we would like to return it http://t.co/glAuGaLL0f

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

Just texted "hmd" to Mother Earth. That's more than adequate, right? #ExxonCares #MothersDay

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

Perfect! We needed replacement ducks in #Mayflower. RT @FOX16News Peabody Ducks March For Final Time In Little Rock http://t.co/Ks40hFXazC

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

The best thing about oil pipeline ruptures in a suburb: Easy access to five dollar footlongs! #ExxonCares #EatFresh

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

Congrats, Manti Te-O! (We're sad you rejected our Lead Spokesman offer, though) http://t.co/uur7TpI0JA #LennayIsInHeaven #LakeConwayAllClear

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

Great pic of our lead scientist debunking spurious claims (http://t.co/fF5TjlxR7n) oil is in Lake Conway #ExxonStrong

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

Hey America, if you could buy regular unleaded or regular unleaded with snake parts, you'd like that right? (Asking for a friend.) #EarthDay

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

In honor of #EarthDay, we're recycling the oil spilled in Arkansas. Just need to filter out these dead ducks and fish first... #ExxonCares

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

In honor of #EarthDay, we won't spill any oil all da...oh shit. Nevermind. BRB. #ExxonCares

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

Happy #420, Arkansas! Anyone need a giant, recently excavated pipe with a pre-cut, 22' carb? #ARoilspill #kxl http://t.co/9KsDFxqHuG

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

"Is it clean yet? Is it clean yet?" Gah! Keep asking and I swear to God I'll turn this #oilspill around and go back to Canada RIGHT NOW.

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

If @NateBell4AR resigns over this tweet (http://t.co/OtjvPo0UDk), we'll hire him for our crisis communications. AR "Apology" experts needed!

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

We're sorry: Mayflower PD should only use mace to disable environmental activists. Tasers could lead to an explosion! http://t.co/33mTZYKigX

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

We're enlisting help in delivering "sorry" payments to the Northwoods subdivision residents: http://t.co/oZTIT3XpFp

[Exxon Cares, Y'all @ExxonCares]

Like a beautiful snowflake RT @JessicaDean @TimGriffinAR2 told me he can't compare the Pegasus to Keystone b/c "every pipeline is different"