Bryan Swift

⚡️Comedy⚡️Tragedy⚡️Dick Jokes⚡️

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

I spend about 50% of my time just going "pfffffft" about things.

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Looking over 15 years of my own tweets and realizing that I'm really fucking unstable.

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Update: I got the tattoo, right in the ditch

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Told my friend I want a sexy tattoo of some big tits and she asked what I want it to look like and I sent her this

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Sorry bud, but I just watched the 2022 Rock n Roll HOF ceremony, and that honor now belongs to Pat Benatar and Neil Giraldo. I want to adopt them as my parents.

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Watching the 2021 rock n roll hall of fame ceremony and the GO-GOs are the coolest, most endearing, best human beings on the planet. Best performance by a mile, and the best speech ❤️❤️❤️

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Actually, I went back and watched it a second time, and I was way wrong. The new Scream is freaking great. I just misunderstood some of the dialogue in the cold open which made me think it was bad. I guess I'm the dumbass.

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Watching the #Scream franchise again, I forgot how groundbreaking that first movie was. @wescraven has to be the first director to parody his own work from behind the 4th wall. The sequels go even more meta. Scream 3 in particular has a tremendous cast. 👍🏼👍🏼

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Final verdict: Scream (2022) is fucking trash

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Finally I’ll be able to get my dream job at twitter

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Netflix is like IKEA: their stuff is great when you’re young and don’t know any better; but as you mature, you realize how flimsy and low quality it is

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

This audiobook has me laughing my ass off in bed. Tell me more about these taints 😂 #audible #taint

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Microsoft: Windows 11 is a powerful operating system, capable of anything you can imagine.

Me: Oh cool, can I move my notifications to a different corner of my screen?

Microsoft: No.

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Whoever is in charge at @CBS All Access is doing a terrific job. Pretty much all my favorite shows are on that one app. They don’t have as many shows as @netflix but the quality of programming is soooooo much better

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Are Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups a candy bar?

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Thug 1: [in cockney accent from a Guy Ritchie movie] She got ‘erself into a bit o’ the old horror.

Thug 2: [stares]

Thug 1:horror… ROCKY horror… ROCK-Y…

Thug 2: stares

Thug 1: [exhasperatedly] ROCK-Y BUKKAKE, mate! BUUU-KKAAAAK-EEEE. You know, covered in jizz n that, yea

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

The Burbs, Along Came Polly, State and Main, Knives Out

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Siri used to be an iOS app but then Apple bought it and one night *ZAP* the app just disappeared from my phone.

They just went in while I was sleeping and fucked with my phone.

Nobody really talked about it, but that was fucked up.

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

“Because, doctor, Fruity Pebbles is the only breakfast cereal that doesn’t shred my mouth.”

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

My favorite thing on twitter is when someone dunks HARD on an imaginary person’s totally made up opinion about a topic that no one even cares about but it’s funny because the imaginary dude OLD AF 😂 Lmao

[Lana Del Rhaenyra ☭ @AntifaDiPalma]

PERSON BORN IN LIKE 1978: I’m a millennial actually

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

My roommate lies about the dumbest most random shit. My therapist says it’s because he wants me to like him and doesn’t know how to open up to me. But like, dude, we LIVE together. In straight dude friendship world we basically married. Just chill tf out

[Bryan Swift @FaceHeadAss]

Yeah yeah super bowl but also, why does Adam Scott hate good lighting so much? All his recent work looks like it was shot with an iPad 2 under fluorescent lights. Production value! Go bengals.