Matthew Perry

Not affiliated with the real Matthew Perry. This is a Parady account.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after youre in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

With all the talk of adding Puerto Rico as the 51st state I think our new goal should be 53 states. A prime number… “1 nation, indivisible…”

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

No one is as good looking as their profile picture, and no one’s as ugly as their drivers license picture.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

My idea for a condom advertisement... "Wrap it in latex or she'll get your paychecks"

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

I wish the dollar store sold gas.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

If someone says “This place is crackalackin!”, does that mean it’s lacking white people?

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

I’m not saying she’s fat, she’s just easy to see.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

My girlfriend says she thinks I might be a stalker... Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet...

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

The scariest part of the show “I didn’t know I was pregnant” is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

Keep scrolling, I got nothin.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

Listen, you can keep retaking all the pictures you want but that’s just what your face really looks like.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

Oh, you hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called “Everybody”, and we meet at the bar.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

A woman who has no idea how hot she is, is so hot.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

Am I the only one who hides my favorite food from the rest of my family?

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

That’s definitely not my ringtone, but I’m going to have to check my phone anyway.

[Matthew Perry @fake_Matthew]

Oh you're shirtless in your Facebook profile picture? I bet you get all them bitches.