FG's Play Thing

Making observations and sarcastic comments on my life. Enjoy.

[FG's Play Thing @FGsPlayThing]

One of my favorite things in the world is bed. You're born there, fuck there, create life, sleep and eventually die there. Bed, fuck yeah.

[FG's Play Thing @FGsPlayThing]

Spouse buys me an expensive sex toy that just came in the mail today.

This is how I’m spending my night, though. Because I’m a grownup, dammit!

[FG's Play Thing @FGsPlayThing]

I need to have a fucking date with husband. And a good fucking.

[Melinda Mayo @KATVMelinda]

This is how we “wedding” in SE Arkansas. It’s a gravy fountain with biscuits on the side!

[☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck]

I'm currently drowning in coping mechanisms.

[☠Êv¡£☠Genius☠ @That_Damn_Duck]

Welcome to Twitter, you’re now a cult member.

[FG's Play Thing @FGsPlayThing]

If you have ever wondered why body wash is not sold in clear containers, the reason is because it looks like jizz.

That said, here’s my homemade liquid body wash!

[DCBurbVivant @DCbonvivant]

Bambino (B): mommy, I think it’s important to tell daddy the truth.

Moi: Absolutely...the truth about what?

B: That I wanted to poop in my pants because it feels good. Okay?

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

I met Danny DeVito tonight he was wearing a wig and kept shouting "STOP HUGGING ME IM NOT DANNY DEVITO" it was amazing

[FG's Play Thing @FGsPlayThing]

@heidiknits So incredibly busy, and I fail to keep that man out of trouble! How are you and your family?

[FG's Play Thing @FGsPlayThing]

I think I'm doing this right https://t.co/CP5Pc7CatJ

[FG's Play Thing @FGsPlayThing]

Venezuelan photographer Ronaldo Schemidt wins World Press Photo of the Year Award https://t.co/UMkGOBNq9t

[FG's Play Thing @FGsPlayThing]

“Potstickers and a Blowjob” is the name of my Wham! Cover band.

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

Pretty disappointed to find out that "Toys for Tots" isn't a program where I trade my kids' toys for delicious tater tots.

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

You never know how many annoying sounds there truly are in the world until you have children.

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

If you live in the suburbs, you must go out into a country field to get your family photos taken. This is family photo rule of law.

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

Guys, just found out that Dollar Tree has the best Black Friday deals. EVERYTHING in the store is on sale for a dollar!

[Lord James Alvarez @ObscureGent]

I wonder where Darth Vader kept his pod racing trophy.

[Darla @ddsmidt]

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.