Fingered Puppet

Even my tube socks complain of headaches. Self made hundredaire. Was once told, Only I could prevent forest fires. Now that's some serious responsibility.

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

I'm not defending alcohol or anything, but I've done some pretty dumb shit sober too.

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

Only 2 types of people wear sunglasses indoors, blind people and assholes, ...so start farting big guy!

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

Apparently "A bakers dozen" isn't the correct way to tell a fireman how many people are still in a burning building.

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

When I see lovers names carved into trees, I don't think its cute, I just think its weird how many people take knives on dates.

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

I never saw the appeal of having sex with a dwarf until this morning when I realized I didn't have to dig as big of a hole as usual.

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

I bet when Khloe and Lamar have anal sex, his asshole hurts for weeks!

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

Now that Heidi Klum and Seal broke up, is Seal free to go clubbing?

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

And for my next trick, Ill turn these 18 beers into domestic violence

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

Being a dad is odd. I never thought Id care about someones asshole being cleaner than my own.

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

Thinking about becoming a sex therapist, then when someone walks in I can say "Whats your fucking problem?" And we can all laugh

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

"Get down Motherfuckers!" I yelled as I walked into the bank, showing off my best dance moves.

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

Opinions are like assholes, which is probably why Im so attracted to opinions.

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

I fall deeper in love with you every time I look deep into your tits, I mean tits, I means tits..Fuck!

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

Chalk the Pope up as another person who quits his job so he can focus on Twitter.

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

Jehovah's witnesses, improving my hiding skills since 1974

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

I put the "my wiener" in "the cat".

[Steve Graham @Sgraham231]

Yeah, sure you're not hungry, girls named Patty.

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

If I ever go to prison, I hope nobody ever finds out my street name is "Butthole Teeth"

[Fingered Puppet @FingeredPuppet]

Let all those sneakers dangling from wires be a lesson to all you tightrope walkers