FMyLife

My life's s*** but I don't give a f***.

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I called my boss and said "I have been awake since 3am throwing up." He replied with "Great, see you at 9" and hung up. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I had to fake fall down the stairs so my mom would stop texting and actually pay attention to what I was saying. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and nearly pulled my tooth out. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I realized that my ex has REALLY dumped me for a video game. And he will not change his mind. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, my boyfriend texted me, asking if I had left my underwear over at his place. No, no I didn't. They weren't mine. Awesome. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, as a prank I shook my girlfriend's can of soda. I hadn't noticed that it was already open. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I locked myself, drunk and naked, out of my hotel room. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he finds his car more attractive than me. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, my roommate's boyfriend moved in. I'm in love with him. Now I get to live with the happy couple. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, as I often do, I had a shag in my old car. I am 25, my boyfriend is 28 and we are still living at our parents' house. #FML

[FMyLife @FMLtales]

Today, I found out the animal that was gnawing behind the kitchen wall all night was indeed a wild rat and his entire family. #FML