Fred Pollack

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

The first mohawk was created by some guy trying to even out his sideburns.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

I like to remind my kids when they make fun of me they are half me.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

If I didn’t worry, what would I do with all my free time?

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

The Q&A session after a presentation is a “look how smart I am” competition.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

Walking behind a woman wearing so much perfume, when I get home my wife will think I’ve been cheating.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

If someone were getting mugged running a marathon, would anyone stop to help and ruin their time?

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

I pay monthly for a house phone and when it rings, the last thing I want to do is answer it.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

You know how to get rid of your problems? Get bigger problems.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

Social media needs an HR department.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

I could never be friends with myself, we’re too much alike.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

I’d talk to someone about my anxiety but I don’t feel like meeting someone new.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

If you can’t talk right now, how were you able to just tell me?

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

There are windows all around you people picking their nose in their car.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

First day of work, they asked me to tell everyone something about myself. I said I once murdered someone. I hope they know I was joking.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

So excited about killing a fruit fly today I mounted its head on the wall.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

Mike Tyson’s best punch of the fight was the slap at weigh-ins.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

Antique stores are very well organized trash dumps.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

If you eat a lot of toilet paper, will it wipe you on the way out?

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

People buy car dealerships because they want to get into showbiz.

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

You’d think part of the cashier interview would be “Do you know how to make change?”

[Fred Pollack @FredPollack]

MMA fighters get the shit beat out of them, and I’m stressing about infection from contacting blood from previous matches.