Fuck's My Uncle

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Your Aunt's new car is "Butterscotch." They put down "brown." She wanted "yellow." I said, you'll get stopped by a fag cop & he'll know.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

My favorite joke. Two Amish ladies are digging potatoes. "These remind me of Eli." "That big?" "No, that dirty."

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Mother of God! My balls are still talking to each other. Arguing, actually. One of them wants a shave, the other doesn't. Why me?

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Uncle Toby used to call Brazil nuts "nigger toes." One of my fondest memories. And if that makes me a racist, OK. Life's too short.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

I spent summers at Uncle Toby's farm. One cow never had a calf. One day we caught her giving the bull a blow job. A real modern cow.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Shit Says My Dad? Some old pisser who can't walk & scratch his balls at the same time. Reminds me of Bill Shatner. They did? No kidding.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Farts. How can something that smells so bad feel so good?

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Little Lord Fauntleroy? Yeah, I read it. About a rich kid who can't stop jerking off. That's all he ever did. Nice story. Cool ending.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

You never knew Uncle Toby. He died on the operating table. An unusual procedure. An asshole transplant.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

At $4 a gallon, all I can say is, that must be really GOOD gas. Like the kind Jesus Christ uses.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

My balls are still talking to each other. Now they're planning a breakout. But to do that, they have to trade places. What the shit?

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

You think I'm bad? My Uncle Toby said things like: Men piss standing up. Women, sitting down. Fags, upside down and backwards.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you eat.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

And to think, when I was young, I wanted to grow up to be a fucking mute.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Toby? He didn't know shit from shinola. You should have seen his shoes.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Sure I smoke. Like I always say, so many cigarettes, so little lung.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Shhhh, my balls are talking to each other. The left one says he's planning to retire at age 62.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

How many are following your tweeter? Still just two? Christ, I wonder if English is their first language.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

Whenever I'm bummed, I think of that Eddie Murphy bit. His mother finds him in the tub with a gash on his head and a GI Joe up his ass.

[Fuck's My Uncle @FucksMyUncle]

First time we did 69, I didn't know what it meant. Your Aunt farted twice. I thought: This is great, but 67 more?