Funny Quotes

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
Casey Stengel

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"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
Phyllis Diller

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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
Mitch Hedberg

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"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
Mark Twain

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"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw

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"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
Elbert Hubbard

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"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
Jim Carrey

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"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
Bill Cosby

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"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
Soren Kierkegaard

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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

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"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
Tallulah Bankhead

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"Expect problems and eat them for breakfast."
Alfred A. Montapert

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"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it".
Laurence J. Peter

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"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."
Robert Benchley

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"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."

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"The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."
Bertrand Russell

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"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country "

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"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money."
Bob Hope

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"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair."
Hillary Clinton

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My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.