joshhaness

I'm 5'6" soaking wet

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

The most effective way to get friends to come out & celebrate your birthday is to tell them it’s your last one.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

My landlord died. To honor him, my rent will be at half-check.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

If I won the $1.7B powerball jackpot I’d get rid of that usb-to-car cigarette lighter adapter for my iPod and upgrade to a 3.5mm-to-lightning aux. cable.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

Rather than navigate the DMV website to apply for a “Real ID”, I’ve decided to move to Iran.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a man how to Dougie and you get your teaching certification revoked.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

A self-driving Jaguar has stopped, holding up all the cars in the middle of a Whole Foods parking lot. This is Waymo problematic than we imagined.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

Our love affair with firearms has become guncontrollable.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

My dad used to be a Greek god. If he found out that I’ve never been to the ocean, he’d be Poseidon self.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

If you took all the people waiting in line for In-N-Out, sneakers, video games and 7-11 lottery tickets you’d have a workforce.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

Got fist-bumped by a gal.
Haness: 0, Friendzone 1,378

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

If you get arrested in Hollywood, you should slate during your mugshot. #Hollywood

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

Kids raised on their phones become screenagers.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

available name for breakfast/brunch establishment:
“Cereal Crêpeist”

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

This whole plane thing is so Qatarded.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

A knock-off article of clothing is a counterfit.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

Can’t believe Celine Dion never did a Dion covers album. ‘Dion does Dion.’ What a gyp. Wasted talent…

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

Oooh, “Alto Nights!” Another mafia movzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

Next terrorist attack on U.S. soil, Biden gets to say “Not it!”

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

Everything that comes out of Trump’s mouth is about as nonsensical as a level 1 improv class showcase.

[joshhaness @fuzzyjosh]

I swatted at a spider. It got away among some of my coats hanging on the rack. I am now the villain in this bug’s ‘John Wick’ film.